Total pages in book: 154
Estimated words: 142764 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 142764 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 714(@200wpm)___ 571(@250wpm)___ 476(@300wpm)
“At the party, when you saw me with that girl. It wasn’t because I wanted to be with her. It wasn’t because I chose her. It was on his order. It was follow the order or get beat. When you walked into that kitchen and witnessed what he was doing, when you saw what he was doing to me. I…” My heart clenches inside my chest, and I swear I feel what it’s like for the first time then to care for something more than you care for yourself. “I was afraid of what he would do to you. I was afraid that he would realize how much I cared about you and use you against me. All I could think about was protecting you, getting you out of that room as fast as I could so he didn’t get his slimy hands on you.” I growl the last few words, the reminder of that day imprinted on my mind. “It didn’t matter though because one second is all it took for him to realize you meant something to me. That’s when his motive changed. He wanted to use you to hurt me and I knew I’d rather die than let him get his hands on you, so I did the only thing I could think of. I choose to hurt you myself. I choose to be the villain. I knew that each word I spoke would hurt you, but it would still be better than if my father got ahold of you.”
The sound of sniffling reaches my subconscious, and I look up, glancing at Bel over my shoulder. The anguish pinching her delicate features slams into me like a Mack truck. Tears slide down her cheeks, her makeup is ruined, and her cheeks are flushed. I’m tempted to reach for her, to soothe her, and erase the hurt and pity she must be feeling, but I can’t. I’m not done yet.
“My father did everything he could to ensure he maintained control over me. As I got older, he realized his beatings no longer held the same power as they had before. I’d become accustomed to the abuse, and in many ways when he hit me it no longer hurt.
Yes, there would be bruises, and evidence, but I didn’t really feel any of it. I’d go into this dark place in my mind where he couldn’t touch me, where his abuse didn’t hurt me. In that place, no one could reach me. When he realized that, his motives changed, and he started using other, more creative ways to control me. He threatened to toss me out on my ass and cut me off, not understanding that I didn’t really give a fuck anyway.
As my mother’s condition worsened, he started holding her over my head. He told me he’d stop offering her pain meds and make certain she suffered if I didn’t do exactly what he told me to.” I grit my teeth, the shame and guilt resonating through me. I’d always felt strong, above my peers, but I was nothing but a lost little boy when it came to my father. Forever trapped by him.
“That’s where he got me. The thought of her suffering because of me. I couldn’t handle it. She didn’t deserve that. And then you came along, and well, I didn’t want to hurt you, ever. I couldn’t imagine letting him use you to control me either.”
In a flash, she’s climbing onto my lap, wrapping her legs around me, while snaking her arms around my neck at the same time. She clutches onto me tightly, burying her face against my chest.
Her touch burns me to ash. I want to let her heal me, and mend all the ugly, dirty pieces of my disgraced soul back together again, but this isn’t my flower's weight to carry.
Lifting her head, she peers up at me, her green eyes shimmering with tears. "I’m sorry, Drew. I knew he was a terrible human and that he hurt you. I saw the marks on your skin and wanted to ask you about them. I tried, but I was afraid you would push me away, and you did. That night you came to my dorm in the tux. He hurt you that night, didn’t he?”
All I can do is nod, emotion clogging my throat and making it difficult to speak. Tears prick at my eyes, but I blink them back. The thought of crying over this shit makes me sick to my stomach. Especially in front of her.
“I’m so damn sorry, Drew. I’m sorry no one was there to help. No one stopped those things from happening to you, and I’m sorry that he’s using your mother against you. Using her deteriorating health against you. Why? Why would he do that?”
I shake my head because I don’t have an answer. “I don’t know. I’ve spent a long fucking time wondering what it was about me that made him hate me so much. I did everything I could to please him. Everything.” I growl bitterly. “His hate shaped me into the person I am today. I took that pain and anger and hurt others because I could. I was a fucking bully, and no better than my father. When you told me that day that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, it wasn’t a lie. I’m not better than him. I’m the same and I fucking hate it.”