Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
“I always loved you, Nadia. Always.”
“I had a roof over my head, but no kisses on my scraped knee. I had a meal in the oven, but no one was home most days to eat it with me. I knew how to change a flat tire, but no one showed me how to change my life for the better! Yes, you were there, Mama. Some moms aren’t. I acknowledge that. Yes, you made sure Nelson and I could take care of ourselves and be independent, self-sufficient, but you also showed us how to not trust by example. You showed us how to fester resentment. You showed us how to stay closed off, and emotionally off the grid!”
“I don’t want to be blamed for everything! I just… I didn’t know what to do! Wanted to protect y’all! I just wanted you safe!” Mama’s voice was shrill, chock full of pain. She buried her face in her hand, and cried. A black, soft silence sat between them.
“Mama…” Nadia wiped a tear from her own cheek and rested her hand against her mother’s bowed back. “Your son’s marriage ended because he’s emotionally cut off. He can’t connect with folks well. At least, not from the heart. We’re not blamin’ you. We’re… let me rephrase. Nelson isn’t here. He can speak for himself so I need to stop trying to intervene on his behalf. He’ll have to do that on his own. This is actually about me. I’m trying to tell you how I felt, Mama. What is so wrong with that?”
Mama sat up and dabbed at her eyes. She took a deep breath, then chewed on her upper lip.
“Mama, let me say it again… I love you so much. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t even try to talk to you right now. You taught me how to ride a bike. You showed me how to put my head in the sand when the truth was too hard to take, too.”
“It would’ve been funnier if you said, ‘You taught me how to ride a bike, and showed me how to ride off from the truth, too.”
They both looked at one another, tears and all, and burst out laughing.
“Mama, why are you like this?” Nadia teased, still laughing. Mama shrugged.
“I’m sorry I disappointed you, Nadia. I’m sure there’s some things I could have done differently. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you know you tried your very best, but you failed. I had a lot going on. ’Specially back then. I… I loved my babies.” Mama’s voice rattled. “I was just trying to safeguard y’all. Never wanted to cause you no pain.”
“Mama, you didn’t fail. I’m not a mother, just like you said, but motherhood isn’t a test. I know now, as an adult, that you loved me, but as a child, sometimes it just was hard to tell, and that affected me psychologically. I know you were doing it all on your own. I have my own demons to wrestle regarding my father. He walked away and that devastated me.”
Mama sniffed, then reached for her hands, cupping them in her own. “Nadia, I’ve been through some things in my life that I wouldn’t wish on nobody. In my day, we ain’t talk to no shrinks. Sometimes, we took it to the pastor of our church, but many times, we just kept stuff to ourselves. I’m not the most eloquent woman on the planet. Sometimes I say stuff rudely, I suppose you could say, but I just don’t believe in sugarcoating anything. When I’d jump on you about the strippin’, it wasn’t ’cause I was ashamed of you. It was because I knew deep down, you was mad at me and your father, and trying to punish us. Then the money had gotten good to you, and I felt like… I felt like I’d lost my baby.” Nadia paused, measuring her for a moment. “You brought up your brother. I have something to say about that. Nelson’s marriage fell apart. We all know that.
“His ex-wife called me one night when they were still married, talkin’ about Nelson hates me and takes it out on her.” Mama slipped inside of herself, lowering her head, turning away. Pain showed in her dark brown eyes. Mama wrung her hands, fighting emotions as she did on a daily basis. “Another time, Nelson had been drinking one night, ’bout three or four years ago, and called me hollering and screaming. Told me I was coldhearted and ugly. Said I must’ve been whorin’ around, ’cause I ain’t know who his daddy was.” A slow tear traveled down Mama’s face. And Nadia’s, too.
“I wasn’t no whore. I never slept around. Nelson’s… Nelson’s father and I used to be acquaintances. His name was James Avery. James was a traveling electrician. Contractor. He was handsome, handy, and funny, too.” She smiled sadly. “We’d go drinkin’ together after work on occasion. One night, we’d both had a bit too much beer and liquor. It was the holidays. We were lonely and plastered, so we slept together. A couple months later, I realized I was pregnant. James was in another city by then. I tried for weeks to track him down. Wasn’t no cellphones back then. I was thinking about all the things he’d told me about his family, and used that information as leads. Finally, I found his mama. She lived in Tennessee. She said to me, ‘What you need James for, honey?’ I responded, ‘Ma’am, I worked with James in Houston. I need to talk to him. I’m pregnant with your son’s child.’ She replied, ‘Baby, I can’t help you. I’m old, in poor health, and don’t have any money. Can’t help with raising no grandkids, and I have more bad news. James can’t help you either. James died.’ Apparently, he overdosed. I never knew James had a heroin problem… but he did. I asked some other folks about it, and some of them suspected it.