Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Nadia ignored her mother’s interruptions and sardonic jabs once again, promising herself that she’d stay on track. “Do you hear what you’re saying right now?”
“Of course I do. I’m not deaf. I’m sitting here, aren’t I?”
“Whenever I say something that makes you uncomfortable, Mama, you try to boomerang it. Shift it right back to me.” Nadia kept her voice calm, yet assertive. She looked her mother in the eye, never wavering from her feelings or the mission at hand. “You never take accountability, even if you don’t quite understand my viewpoint. I’m always wrong, or being silly or overly sensitive, and you are always right, or the only rational person in the room. In your mind, I must be making it up, or I remember it wrong. I’m not making any of this up, Mama, and even if you don’t remember my childhood and teenage years the same way I do, it doesn’t mean that’s not the way it happened.”
“Are you finished? Because I have someplace to be.” Mama reached for her purse that was sitting next to her on the couch.
“I’m sorry, Mama, that you aren’t brave enough to have this discussion.”
Mama swiveled sharply to face her.
“What did you say?” she asked in a harsh, raw tone.
“You told me a moment ago that you could hear just fine… that you’re not deaf, and you’re sitting here, right?” Nadia offered a slight smile as her mother’s eyes narrowed upon her. “You can’t rewrite my memories for me, and you can’t create a false history, either. That’s not how this works. What you’re doing is gaslighting. Do you know what gaslighting is?”
“Yes, I know what the fuck gaslighting is!”
“Well then stop it, because you’re doing it right now!”
Mama’s mouth twitched as if a tiny invisible electric current was making it jump. She looked stunned. Speechless. Dumbfounded.
“Mama,” Nadia placed her feet on the floor and took a deep breath, briefly closing her eyes, “I love you so, so much. I am not saying that you were a horrible mother. I am telling you that there are more things I needed, really, truly needed, that you didn’t provide.”
“Well, what in the hell do you want me to do about that now, Nadia? I can’t build a time machine and go back!” Mama threw up her hands in frustration.
“I don’t want you to do anything but listen. That’s the hardest thing for you to do. You never want to do it because it makes you feel bad. I feel bad, too. We’re just feeling bad together, but we can also feel better together. Please let me—”
“Listen, Dr. Nadia Phil Maury Povich Oprah Winfrey the third, I don’t feel bad about a mothafuckin’ thing!”
“Well, that’s too bad because anyone who thinks they are perfect isn’t fit to even have a conversation with a puddle, let alone their own child.”
“You are a real piece of work, Nadia. You ain’t even a mother, so you have no idea how hard it is to raise children, yet you have so much to say about my parenting skills. I went through hell tryna take care of you and Nelson on my own, and you have the nerve to sit here in yo’ little sundress and red lipstick, and look at me with those big doe eyes of yours, like we on a movie set. Like this is some soap opera, and I’m just supposed to say, ‘Yes, you’re right, Nadia! I suck. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?’ Then I burst into tears, falling on my knees and grab ya ankles, begging you to not walk away.” Nadia sat back and shook her head in disbelief. “You touch me with a magic wand, and then we start dancin’ and planning a mother-daughter picnic on top of a mountain. This is real life, Nadia. We not White! This ain’t The Sound of Music, and I’m not Mary Poppins, either. I had—”
“If you care about me at all, you will be quiet, stop going off on these silly rants and tangents, and give me the floor, Mama!” She lifted her chin, meeting her mother’s icy stare. “Taking care of a child’s basic necessities is not enough to make them whole, especially when there is no father in the house! You’ve gone my entire life only addressin’ what you want to address, picking and choosing what you will ignore and give energy to.” She pointed her finger at her mother. “I am a person! I am your daughter!”
“And I never said I was perfect. I said that I have no regrets.”
“And I’m telling you that I never asked for perfection. I asked for a mama who wasn’t scared to hold me! I needed a hug, even if you didn’t always understand why I was upset. Somewhere in your mind, you saw that as making me too soft! I needed a kiss on the cheek, just because. I needed to be told that I was smart, that I was beautiful! Instead, I looked for validation out in the world! I needed to be told, ‘Everything will be okay,’ even when you weren’t sure!”