Total pages in book: 147
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137176 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 686(@200wpm)___ 549(@250wpm)___ 457(@300wpm)
I could feel daggers slicing me open one by one as the color leached from JJ’s face.
“When? How?” he asked in disbelief. “My coffee—you know how I take it. This morning, you said you missed me. You called me ‘my’ JJ.”
“I did,” I agreed because I was too much of a fucking coward to do anything else.
JJ shook his head violently. I wanted to go to him, but I knew my touch was the last thing he wanted.
“The kiss,” he whispered. “The day you kissed me for the first time… on that canyon road… the day I thought you kissed me for the first time… it wasn’t, was it? It wasn’t our first kiss. It wasn’t my first kiss.”
I wanted to lie. I wanted to say whatever words would make him hurt even a little bit less. I could tell that none of what he was saying was because he was remembering the events for himself. This wasn’t some miraculous moment where his memory was returning.
“No, it wasn’t,” I reluctantly responded.
JJ was breathing heavily. I could see him shaking even from where I stood, and there was no missing the sweat that was dotting his brow. My gut was telling me he wasn’t just suffering from the emotional pain I was causing; from the way he kept closing his right eye and holding it shut for a few seconds longer than his other eye, I suspected his head was hurting again.
“JJ, I’m sorry, I just wanted you to discover the truth—”
“On my own?” he spat. “You wanted me to prove to myself that you weren’t the one who shot me, right? I already figured that out, you fucking piece of shit! I don’t need files or reports to tell me that. Not with the way you kept coming back for me… the way you kept protecting me—saving me! Well, you did it, Cass. You got what you needed. The one living witness, the most important witness, can now testify on your behalf… the former cop who barely survived being shot in the head telling a jury that he doesn’t believe you shot him or those other people. Even if it isn’t hard evidence, no jury is going to convict a guy whose supposed victim said he didn’t do it—”
“That’s not what this was about,” I snapped. Anger seeped out of me. “I just wanted—”
“To get your JJ back,” he cut in. “You wanted your precious fucking JJ back.”
“Damn it, JJ.”
“Shut the fuck up, Cass,” he shouted. He fell silent for a moment as if he was waiting for me to defy the order. I kept my mouth shut because nothing I said was going to get through to him. Not like this.
“I just want to make sure I have this straight in my head—in my broken, useless, piece-of-shit head. You were telling the truth about the night someone else shot me in the head but the second you get out of prison, you don’t explain any of it to me? You let me keep living the lie. What was the fucking point?” JJ asked. He spread out his arms as if he was expecting someone else, anyone else, to answer the question.
“JJ—”
“Truth, Cass,” he said softly. His anger had been snuffed out like a candle only to be replaced with heart-wrenching despair. He didn’t wait for me to respond. “So everything from the moment you got out… that was all a lie?”
I began shaking my head violently because I knew what JJ was really asking. “No! The things that happened between us, they were—”
“Real?” he asked with a little laugh. “How can something be real if someone is living in the dark and no one tells him he needs to turn on the goddamn lights? Tell yourself you did all this for me, Cass, if that’s what makes it easier for you to sleep at night. But we both know you didn’t do this for me. You did this because you wanted your JJ back. The JJ who exists in your memories.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond. Instead, he turned on his heel and strode back in the direction of the cabin. I stayed where I was as I tried to make sense of JJ’s words. Was he right? Was that why I’d done what I had? Deep down, had I convinced myself that if I just said or did the right thing, I’d get the JJ I’d lost back?
“No,” I said with a shake of my head.
I began walking back to the cabin but concern for JJ had me picking up the pace. His head had been hurting him. What if it kept him from getting safely back to the cabin? Even if he did, his emotional anguish was off the charts.
Thoughts of JJ inadvertently veering off the path or taking one wrong step that would send him rolling down one of the many steep embankments that surrounded the cabin got me running. I was surprised when I didn’t catch up to him before getting back to the cabin. Since he’d been hurting, I hadn’t expected him to be able to put too much distance between us.