Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 100301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 502(@200wpm)___ 401(@250wpm)___ 334(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 100301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 502(@200wpm)___ 401(@250wpm)___ 334(@300wpm)
“No offense, but it’s hard for me to see you like that. You’re so…perfect.”
I laughed. “Far from it, pup. I know what it’s like to worry about where your next meal will come from and how to keep a roof over your head. I also know what it’s like to never have to consider those things, but because of my past, I’ll never take that for granted.”
Ian looked down, picked at the table with his short nail. “I just want to be okay, ya know? I don’t need a lot. I just want to be okay.”
This boy didn’t know how much he tugged at my heartstrings. “I know.” I cleared my throat. “So, Tony, the first day he just walked up to a group of us, no fear, no embarrassment, and said he was going to play with us, and all of us said okay. It was impossible not to like him or want to do what he said. I was smitten instantly. I wanted to be with him all the time. Whatever he wanted to do, I wanted to do. I didn’t understand that I was attracted to him, but eventually I realized it. We were sixteen then, and we were in my apartment. Mom was at work, and I was watching my little sister. She was making me crazy, and I stormed out—I was a bit of a drama king—and Tony came out and tried to settle me down and cheer me up, and he…kissed me.”
“No shit?” Ian cocked a brow. “Without knowing if you felt the same?”
“Yeah. I worshipped him. He had such an electric personality. We were together from that day forward. We knew we had to hide it from people in the neighborhood. My mom and my sister found out first, and they were fine. His came later. We had the same dreams and goals—we wanted out, and to provide for our families, and to take care of people. So we worked hard and did well in school, and we were in love.”
Ian looked at me then, as if he hadn’t expected that.
“The thing is, the older I got, the more I started to figure out what I needed. We were in college, and as much as I loved him, I wasn’t fulfilled. We talked about it, and Tony said he would be willing to try.”
“You wanted him to submit to you?”
“No, pup. I wanted to submit to him.”
“Oh. I know you switch. I don’t know why I assumed.”
“He tried many times. It was a long process. Tony doesn’t just jump into anything, so he wanted to research, and we met with people and tried to learn, and it…wasn’t for him. He didn’t want to control me or to hand that over to me. Rough sex made him feel like he was hurting me, while I loved it. We tried it the other way as well, and that’s when I recognized my dominant nature was stronger than my submissive one. That was even more of a disaster. We had someone local training us, and when we were with him, I discovered how right it was for me, how much it really was a part of me.”
“So he left you?”
“Not then. When we acknowledged it wasn’t for him, I tried again to go without it, and…it’s hard to deny a part of who you are. I wasn’t complete, but I wanted to be because I loved him. I probably never would have walked away, and I would have been miserable, but Tony knew, and he made the decision for me. He sat me down and told me he was leaving for med school up north. I was staying here.”
“Shit. I’m sorry. Do you still love him?”
“I love him, but I’m not in love with him. It really was for the best. I couldn’t expect him to be someone he wasn’t, and he couldn’t expect me to either. It was okay that we tried for each other, but ultimately, we had to stay true to who we are, and we’re better off as friends. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Ian didn’t answer. He sat there, looking out at the ocean.
I said, “It worries me—getting involved with you. I think both Jordan and I could become attached to you. I already am with our little kitten, but I don’t have the same worries with him as I do with you. When I look at you, I see the interest I never did with Tony, but that doesn’t mean you’ll decide this is right for you. I’m so very glad you’re going to try this with us, but if it’s not right, then taking care of yourself is the most important thing. Will you promise me that?”
“I…yes.” Ian turned and looked at me, the ache in his eyes so profound, I felt it. “I was a whore…you should probably know. When Fin and I were younger. I never told him, since he would have felt guilty, but when we needed money, I sold myself.”