Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 85135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
“We can’t go backwards. This trip might help, but it won’t take you back in time to before you met her.” He winces. “Rovelli might say different, but as far as you’re concerned, you’re not going to be able to be the old you.”
“You’re meant to be being supportive,” I say.
“I am, but you know it as well as I do. You’re not the same man you were when you took your last trip. You’ve spent your entire life searching for the meaning of life through some adventure or experience that would get you to the edge of your consciousness or something.”
“No, I’ve spent my entire life trying to get the most out of it. Trying to experience all there is that life has to offer because I know how short life can be.” I’d been lucky with my burns and I’d been lucky with the dislocated shoulder. I don’t want to waste the chances I’ve been given.
“Exactly. You’ve been looking for things here and there and by doing this and that. What you’ve really been searching for is depth of connection.”
He’s silenced me.
“You have it with us—your family. But you were searching for something outside that. And it wasn’t boomeranging off of Uluru or whatever the fuck kind of ridiculous thing you’ve spent years doing. You were searching for a connection with the world that would make you feel worthy of being here. What you failed to realize is you’re never going to find that out there—certainly not with a load of old barky dogs where there’s no fucking running water. I’m not going to forget this for a while, by the way.” He shoots me a look to let me know he’s serious and then continues, “You’re going to find it when you meet someone who makes you feel like a king.”
I let that sink in.
Is he right? Have I been making the most out of life or searching for something that’s missing? Is that why when I met Vivian, the desire for thrill-seeking and adventure slowly began to seep away?
“Not possible. Otherwise, why am I on this plane?” I let out a dry laugh. “If she’s what I want, I would never have broken up with her.”
Dax just shakes his head like I’m the one who’s completely delusional. “You’re scared. You’re running.”
Running? Was that what Vivian had said I was doing in our last conversation? But what I am running from? It doesn’t make sense.
“Are you really the only one who can’t see it?” Dax continues. “Maybe you want to get the most out of life, but what that’s led to is a man who can’t commit to a job, a woman, even a hobby. You’re everywhere all the time so you don’t have to be in the right now.”
Is he right? Am I…a commitment-phobe? I’d tried to commit to Coral, hadn’t I? Where had that got me other than free-falling down a mountain?
“Done anything about that travel business for the disabled that you’ve been talking about for years?” Dax asks in an accusatory tone.
“Yeah, actually.” I can disprove his theory if he’s going to talk about my business idea. “I’ve worked up a business plan. It looks great.”
“And what? It’s sitting on your computer waiting for…?”
It’s like he’s hooked an anvil on my insides.
Running away.
Vivian’s accusation echoes in my head. Does everyone in my life know something about me I don’t? And if so…what does that say about the kind of man I’ve become?
THIRTY-FOUR
Vivian
Back in the hotel suite, Tommy and Betty are flitting around me like overexcited butterflies. Live TV will do that to people, even if it’s not actually them on TV. But the people who work behind the scenes in those shows are so fully charged that it can be infectious. I head to my bedroom to give the pair of them some time to calm down, and me a few minutes to decompress by myself. “Just going to change,” I say.
“Need a hand?” Betty asks.
“No thanks.” I’m wearing jeans and a shirt. I figure I can manage it myself. I undress and put on my peach cashmere loungewear. That’s always what I’m most comfortable in. I scoop my hair up and manage to get it in a band without too much effort. It’s grown. Back in London, it was difficult to get under a cap. I know it’s stupid because they don’t even have the Today Show in the UK, but as I was being interviewed and they were playing a clip from my video, I wondered whether Beau was watching.
I haven’t seen or heard from him in weeks.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hoping to banish thoughts about him with a fresh injection of oxygen. Of course it doesn’t work. It never does. I glance at the ring of gold willow leaf, wrapped around my left ring finger. I’m wearing it because I’m keeping up pretenses of being engaged to Beau. But even if I wasn’t on a publicity tour, coming face-to-face with people asking about my personal life, I don’t know if I’d want to take it off. I twist the metal around my finger once, then twice, then set about taking off my makeup.