Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 85135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85135 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Tommy is wrong, but I’m not going to correct him. In some ways, even though it was short-lived, being with Beau was much more of a real relationship than Matt and I had been. My eyes were open to the world when I was with Beau in a way they hadn’t been with Matt. I got to see the real man in Beau—not the fake one Matt showed me.
But Beau’s gone. Run away. Just like he always does. Except, I can’t help but wonder whether things would be different if I hadn’t questioned him. If the doubts I had about him and his ability to betray me hadn’t existed—maybe I could have convinced him to stay.
THIRTY-THREE
Beau
From my cramped plane seat, I glance across at Dax, whose nose is buried in some academic journal or other.
I would have come to Finland on my own. I know he didn’t want to come, but when he offered, I didn’t say no. Usually I’d have no problem traveling alone. But at the moment, I don’t feel myself. It’s like I’m trying to walk on a broken ankle. It fucking hurts, and I’m limping.
“You’re a good brother,” I say.
He doesn’t look up. “I know.”
He’s a man of few words, but when he speaks, it counts.
I chuckle and turn back to my phone, scrolling through the messages between Vivian and me. Who the hell am I? I chose to leave. Flying to Finland is the right thing to do. I’m hoping that the trip will help me stop me thinking about her. Maybe being cold and, most importantly, away from London will do the trick.
“You want to talk about it?” he asks, his focus still on the magazine in his hand.
“Talk about what?” Dax rarely talks about anything.
“You? This trip? Why we’re here?”
“I thought I told you,” I say. “We’re getting picked up at the airport and taken straight to the camp. It’s a bit remote, but I’ve checked and there’s electricity. But…” I haven’t shared just how remote the lodge is. “No running water.”
“What about WiFi?” he asks.
“There’s no running water,” I say. “I think I can say with authority, WiFi isn’t on the list of amenities being offered.”
He sighs a deep sigh and sets down the journal. “Fuck, Beau. Why did you, of all people, have to go and get your heart broken?”
I frown. “What are you talking about? I haven’t got a broken heart.” Did he mishear me when I explained I’d ended things with Vivian?
Yes, of course I liked her, but ending things was the right thing to do. Our relationship was supposed to be easy, fun, flirtatious—but it had started to shift. Better to cut things off now, before either of us can get hurt.
Being away from Vivian might not feel good in the short term, but it was the right decision for the long term. Now I feel a weight on my chest and my mind is full of Vivian, but these things will pass. Soon I’ll start to feel better.
“Oh, okay. She seemed nice though. Not someone who was likely to overreact.”
“From the king of underreactors, that’s praise indeed.” I go back to scrolling the messages she left me over the weeks we were together.
“She’s going off on tour. Is that why you split?”
“No, I told you, things were getting…” Not serious exactly, but…was deep the right word? “I didn’t want to create any expectations in her. You know what I’m like—I’m never in one place long.”
“She didn’t want you to come to Finland?” he asks.
“No, it’s not that.”
“She didn’t want to join you traveling more generally?”
“I never asked her.” Probably because traveling hasn’t been front of mind since I met her. I’ve been focused on my business plan and spending time with Vivian.
“Then I don’t understand why you broke up.”
I roll my eyes. “You wouldn’t.” Dax doesn’t subscribe to emotions.
“I’d understand if it were rational. You’re saying you broke up in case she started to like you?”
That wasn’t exactly how I’d put it, but…
“It sounds like you got a little uncomfortable and took off.”
“Great chat, mate. Go back to your journal.”
He shrugs and opens the article he was reading before we started to talk. “Only trying to help.”
“What will help is a little distance between me and London, and getting back to the old me.”
I don’t feel great at the moment. The heaviness is still there. I think about Vivian all the time. It all feels so alien and uncomfortable. I want this trip to fill the spaces in my life that she occupied. I’m not sure how those spaces were created so quickly, but now they’re echoing chambers of loneliness. I hate feeling like this.
I need some dopamine flooding my nervous system, adrenaline and serotonin chasing each other through my veins.
“I hate to tell you…” Dax says.
“Then don’t,” I snap. I check the time on my watch. It feels like we’ve been on this plane for nine hours.