Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
“You lost everyone you cared about. There is no right way to grieve.”
“I still had my grandparents.”
“I’m glad.”
“You don’t understand.” Driver sat up and put some distance between them. He needed space to breathe, to think. He couldn’t think when Tam’s compassion reached out to him like a beacon of hope. “They raised me, they loved me. They gave me everything I ever needed. They support everything I do, accept me for who I am, and I can’t tell them how much I love them. I can’t do it, Tam. I’m... I just... I don’t have it in me.”
Tam was quiet for a long while but there was no trace of pity in his expression. He reached up and placed his palm over Driver’s chest.
“When I look at you I see a heart that’s so big it can’t help but be scarred. And if there is one thing I’ve learned from my life it’s that scars make us stronger, but only if we let the wounds heal first.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Tam slept restlessly that night. He came awake multiple times terrified Driver had left while he slept. Then he’d spent long minutes studying every wrinkle and freckle on Driver’s face while his guts churned with anxiety. Eventually, exhaustion would pull him under again but strange dreams kept him on the edge of panic. When he woke for the final time, slivers of daylight clawed across the ceiling like long fingers bringing reality with them.
Driver’s confession played on a loop like a strange soundtrack in some terrible drama. And Tam was stuck watching it when all he wanted to do was turn off the film. He wanted to pull back and protect himself.
Beside him Driver continued to sleep. He looked peaceful. It was the tattoos that drew Tam’s gaze, though.
Three dates.
Their significance finally crystal clear. Birthdays.
Driver hadn’t chosen to memorialize the dates of his family’s deaths, instead he’d marked the moment of their births into his flesh. He’d branded himself with their memory because he didn’t want to let them go. And Driver thought he hadn’t had the courage to pay his respects?
Tam traced the numbers as his heart contracted with the truth.
If he could only see himself the way Tam saw him, maybe he’d stay.
Maybe he wouldn’t need to run anymore.
Tam mentally kicked himself for getting his own hopes up like that. Even if Driver miraculously forgave himself after more than a decade of punishment, there was nothing keeping him in New York. Trying to control the situation would drive Tam crazy. All he could do was accept whatever came, to the best of his ability.
Hadn’t he learned that lesson the hard way?
As much as he hated to admit it, there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the time they had left.
One moment at a time.
He pressed a kiss to Driver’s shoulder. Driver mumbled and turned to pull Tam to his chest. His scent enveloped Tam in musk and faint echoes of body wash from the shower they’d shared before falling asleep. It soothed whatever bits of apprehension still clung to him, so he inhaled again deeply, letting it wash his worry clean.
“Morning.” Driver’s voice was rough with the remnants of slumber.
“Did you sleep okay?”
He rubbed his face with his free hand and yawned. “Fine,” he said, but it was more a grunt than an answer. “You?”
Tam didn’t want to bring things up again, there was no use. Telling Driver the truth wouldn’t help anyone, so he just hummed in reply.
“It’s early,” Driver complained.
“Go back to sleep.”
“Gotta piss.” He flicked off the duvet, sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed. Cupping his balls, he cursed the cold all the way to the bathroom.
As soon as the door closed, Tam took a deep breath. For the first time since they’d gotten together, it was awkward. Like a chasm had opened up between them overnight and Tam had no idea how to put things back to normal. He grabbed his phone from the nightstand and checked the time.
He couldn’t remember what time Georgia unlocked the studio on Saturdays, but even if he ended up waiting outside until she arrived, it would be better than suffering through this tension. He sent a quick text to Ansel about the possibility of rehearsing that afternoon, then got out of bed. By the time Driver returned from the bathroom, Tam was already dressed and pulling on his shoes.
“Oh. You’re going out?” Driver still protected his junk from the chill as he stood uneasily in the doorway.
“I have an early class.” A lie he was sure Driver would see right through. Tam focused on tying the laces to avoid eye contact.
“Then I, uh, I guess I’ll go back to Harrison’s.”
“You don’t have to.”
Driver found his jeans and tugged them on. “No, it’s okay. I should check on Mikey anyway. I didn’t feed him last night.”