Total pages in book: 362
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
“Liessa,” he murmured, and my heart ached as he lifted my hands and brushed his lips over the fading marks.
As he smoothed calloused thumbs over my palms, I had a feeling I was projecting a whole mess of emotions onto him. And it was a mess because I felt everything right now. Sorrow. Anger. Nervousness. I knew I needed to talk to Ash. Really talk. But there was nothing easy about that for me. I was never the talking type. I hadn’t been raised that way. It wasn’t an excuse. It was just the truth. When it came to something important, I could rehearse everything I wanted to say a hundred times, but the moment I opened my mouth, something entirely different came out. Even more so when it came to this.
But I had to.
Because what I’d gone through was slowly chipping away pieces of me. Eventually, I would be left with nothing.
“It’s not true, you know.” I stared at our hands. “I don’t need more rest than you.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I fed from you a handful of hours ago,” I said.
He said nothing, opting to kiss my palms again. Then he placed my hands back in my lap and rose. He went to the railing and leaned against the shadowstone. The muscles along his shoulders bulged as he eyed a guard in the distance. “Is that what you’ve been thinking about while sitting out here?”
“Yes, and no. I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff.”
He faced me. “You going to tell me what you’ve been thinking about?”
Talk to me.
That’s what he always said. When I didn’t, he didn’t push, except for the night of the sekya attack. I doubted he would push now. I wanted to talk. Needed to. I just didn’t know where to start because this—all of this inside me—hadn’t been birthed into creation when Kolis captured me. It had started long before then.
Ash drew in a heavy breath and pushed away from the railing. “Will you at least come back to bed with me?”
My gaze flew to his, and my chest seized. Words bubbled up, shaken free. Ones I had only ever shared with Nektas. “I tried to end my life once.”
Ash’s entire body jerked back, and he bumped into the railing. “What?”
Part of me couldn’t believe that was where I’d started—that I had just hurled that at him with no warning. He hadn’t been prepared to hear it. The shock in his expression was proof. “I’m sorry. I probably should’ve given you some sort of heads-up on that.”
Ash stared at me. His hands had returned to the railing, and he held on to it as if he needed the support.
I looked away from his hands, focusing on mine. “I drank a vial of sleeping draft—far more than necessary. And convinced myself for so long that it was accidental. That it wasn’t on purpose. But…” My nose and eyes stung. “It was. I didn’t want to wake up.”
“Why?” he asked hoarsely.
“I don’t know,” I said with a shaky sigh and peeked up at him. His eyes were closed tightly. “That’s not entirely true. There wasn’t one reason. I don’t think there was even one reason—specifically what he believed my fate to be—for why my father took his life. It’s never that simple.”
A spasm ran through him, and his lashes lifted. When he spoke, his voice sounded as choked as mine felt. “When did you try that?”
“I know what you’re thinking. That it’s because you rejected me.”
His jaw clenched. “That wasn’t a reason?”
“It doesn’t matter, Ash. You’re not responsible for that. Just like I know I’m not responsible for my father, even though I spent most of my life feeling like I was. I just…I felt like I was failing everyone and myself. I didn’t like who I was because I was no one. I was this blank canvas, taught to act and behave like someone. To not really have feelings. Like I couldn’t be mad or even happy. I was just to be whatever I needed to be.” I knew I was rambling, but I couldn’t stop myself. “But I wasn’t good at that, so I had to pretend how my mother acted didn’t affect me. I made myself okay with the fact that no one, except Odetta and Holland, really touched me. I just had to deal with Tavius and him thinking he could do whatever he wanted to me.”
My fingers curled inward again. “I couldn’t refuse training, whether it came to mastering a sword or seduction, and I had no one, not even Holland, that I could really talk to.”
“This training? To seduce?” Ash sounded like each word cut his throat to speak. “How old were you when it began?”
“Not old enough to be able to deal with it,” I admitted quietly. “I was scared at first. I remember begging Holland to not let me go, but…” I closed my eyes and shook my head. “That part of my life was so…weird.”