Total pages in book: 362
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
“I can think of a better word than weird,” he bit out.
“I mean, I felt embarrassed to be doing the things I was being taught and didn’t know how to feel about it. Sometimes, it felt good, but it…it also felt wrong.”
“Because it was wrong,” he said.
“I know.” I sighed. “I think maybe I knew it then, too. But I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t say I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t have a choice in anything. And I…I didn’t want to do it anymore. So, the draft.”
Ash looked stricken, as if someone had plunged a dagger into his chest.
“I regretted it as soon as I woke up. I was embarrassed. And I hated that I felt that way.” My lips peeled back with a low growl. “I still hate that my head just doesn’t work like it should. You know? Like there were—and still are—others with worse childhoods and experiences, and they never once thought about trying or doing something like that.” I laughed, but there was no humor in it. “But I did.”
“I’m so damn sorry, Sera,” he whispered. “All those times I said you had no regard for your life. I didn’t know. If I had, I would never have said that.”
“You don’t need to apologize because it’s true. Or was,” I said, holding the edge of the blanket to my chin. “I didn’t value my life. Not until I decided I wanted to live—when it felt like it was too late. You’re part of the reason. I mean, it’s not just you. It was also gaining control. A sense of self. I was no longer an empty vessel. I was becoming someone, and you helped me do that. And I…”
I lifted my head to find Ash watching me from where he stood by the railing, his eyes glittering.
I wet my dry lips. “You…you’ve been feeding from Rhain.”
Ash went completely still.
“That’s why you don’t feel as cold sometimes,” I said, my chest aching anew. “You had to go to him because I couldn’t provide for you.”
“Sera.” Ash jerked away from the railing. “You provide for me. You give me everything I could ever want.”
“Except the one thing you need to survive. It’s okay—” I winced. “No, it’s not okay. What I’m saying is that I’m not mad at you or anything. It makes me love you even more because I know how hard it is for you to feed from others. I’m angry with myself.”
His hands fisted at his sides. “Do not be angry with yourself. Kolis—”
“He took that from me. From us. I know. You were right when you said that.”
“I don’t care about being right.” He came forward and lowered himself to his knees before me. “I will do anything for you not to feel fear, Sera.”
“I know.” The pressure was crushing then, my chest squeezing as if a giant hand was trying to pinch off my breath. “You never caused me fear. I know you won’t hurt me. I just… My mind goes back there to Kolis. To being in that fucking cage, and him…”
Ash reached for me but placed his hands on either side of me instead. “And him…?”
I opened my mouth when more words slithered their way up my throat. “Him having complete control. In what I wore. What I ate. Where I went. He put me on display as if I was some kind of token. Or a pet. Even when he held court. And you know what the fucked-up thing was? He liked it when I tried to escape, or he scared me. He enjoyed it. And not because he’s a fucking piece of shit, but because it reminded him of Sotoria. Gods…” I tugged at the stitching on my robe. “He didn’t like it when I mouthed off. Because there were times, Ash, when I couldn’t pretend. I just couldn’t. And when that happened, it didn’t matter that he believed I was Sotoria.”
“What?” His voice was steady but thin. “What did he do?”
“He almost always controlled himself, and gods, that was somehow scarier. Seeing him get to that edge and then pull back? It left me feeling like I was constantly on the cliff’s edge. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that…that was worse than the chains.”
Ash’s inhale was audible. “The chains?”
“I…” I stared at his shoulder. “It was because of Veses.”
“I will kill that bitch.”
“It wasn’t her fault,” I said with a humorless laugh. “He punished her. Gave her to Kyn in front of everyone.” I almost gagged, disgust rolling through me. “And, gods, I hate her. I hate her as much as I hate him. But that wasn’t right. I don’t care what Veses says. It was disgusting. I told him as much, and I’d already mouthed off at him more than once that day. I just couldn’t…” I shook my head. “He hung me by my arms.”