Total pages in book: 362
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
I drew back. “Gods, no.”
“Did Kolis intend to do so?”
“Yes.”
“That is the difference, and I can tell you right now, Kolis doesn’t feel an ounce of regret for what he ordered,” he said. “That is another difference.”
A tremor started building deep inside me. “But how…how do I live with this?”
“You don’t just live with it,” he said, his hands trembling when he tipped my head back. “You accept what you did. You learn from it.”
Accept it? A thousand years could pass, and I would still be horrified by what I’d caused. But I…
“I’m already learning,” I said. “I didn’t listen to my instincts. I should’ve listened to you and the others. I never should’ve believed that Kolis would put the realms before himself and his wants. I should’ve refused to offer him a deal instead of wanting to be better—less like who I was. Less like Kolis and more like your father. But that’s the thing, Ash. I am like Kolis.”
His nostrils flared. “I swear to the fucking Fates—”
“I am, Ash. That’s what you don’t want to accept.” I shook even harder. “I am not him or Veses, but I am not a benevolent person. I’m not cruel, but I don’t regret killing Embris for his role in taking my family from me. I never even really spoke to him, and he was more than happy to carry out Kolis’s orders and help kill innocent people. Or maybe he wasn’t happy to do so. Maybe he was threatened or scared. I don’t care. I’m glad I saw the life go out of his eyes.” I couldn’t sit still any longer, so I rose again.
As Ash stared up at me in silence, I took a deep breath and willed my heart to settle. “I am not a forgiving person. I try to be, but I can be monstrous. More so than you, and I am capable of horrific violence.”
“So am I.” He leaned back, bending one knee.
“You are when it comes to me or Kolis, but you would not have done what I did if I wasn’t threatened.” I held the blanket tighter around me. “You said no lies. No bullshit or half-truths. You would’ve stopped yourself. You know that.”
Ash looked away, a muscle ticking in his jaw.
“I never should’ve tried to handle this like I thought Eythos would have. I should have—” I stopped myself. Should have. Could have. Would have. I fucking hated them.
“What are you saying?” Ash asked.
“I’m saying I…I need to be me.”
His gaze met mine. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That is all the realms need.”
I stared at him, the clarity of his words driving me down. I sat on the edge of the bed. Gods. Ash…he’d always known what I was. What I was capable of. The good. The bad. The beautiful and the ugly. He had always accepted me. I’d just never accepted that. I hadn’t wanted to face it. Just like I…
I hadn’t faced so much in my life. It hadn’t made me stronger. It had only made me weaker.
He rose and knelt in front of me. “You are who I fell in love with, Sera. Every part of you. Not just the easy stuff but the complicated, messy aspects, too. I love each part of you equally. You will always be what I cherish most, liessa.” Clasping my cheeks, he kissed the top of my head. “Nothing will ever change that.”
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
Wrapped in a deep violet robe with pretty embroidery and pearls, I sat on the balcony’s daybed, staring up at the star-strewn night sky, despite it being cold enough to need to tuck my legs beneath the heavy folds of the robe. The chill in the air made me think that snow may soon fall.
An entire day had passed since Ash coaxed me out of my nota, and we’d spent most of that time sleeping—actually, he was still sleeping. Both of us were exhausted to a bone-deep level and were lucky things were quiet, giving us time to rest. I couldn’t sense the true Primal of Death. It was like before he’d awakened from stasis the last time. I felt nothing, no intuition concerning his current state. I had to assume he was still in stasis.
That allowed me to relax. A little. I should be resting, too, but when my eyes had opened, memories of what I’d done came to the forefront, and I hadn’t been able to fall back to sleep.
So, here I sat, watching the guards patrol the Rise, thinking about everything Ash had said. He’d been right. A thousand tomorrows would come, and I would still carry the guilt with me. Sure, it would lessen as time passed, and I accepted it.
But it would always be there, haunting the back of my mind like the spirits lingering in the Dark Elms, refusing to cross over.