Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 80564 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80564 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
My daughter must pick up on the change in me because she stops laughing and cooing. The sand stops occupying her, and she looks up at Max. I’m being a wimp; I need to snap out of it. Maddie however, has nothing holding her back. She pushes up, trying to get away from me. I help her stand, bracing my hands on her little hips. I’m letting her distract me from Max. I need her to, because, for the life of me, I can’t even manage to say hi back. I swallow; suddenly my mouth feels very dry.
“Da-Da!” Maddie says, jumping up and down, wanting to get away. “Da-Da!”
Of course she would recognize him. She’s only a year old, but I’ve done my best to show her a picture of him every night after we read and together we say goodnight to Daddy. I wanted Max to be a part of her life in whatever small way I could manage it. When I look up and see Max’s face, my heart contracts. I let go of Maddie, and she takes her stumbling steps to him. The sand is hard for her but after falling once she makes the six or seven steps to him. She reaches up to him in complete trust, as only a child can, and I watch as Max holds his daughter for the first time.
A one-year-old child unmans me.
I hear her sweet voice, calling out da-da, as her chubby, little legs stumble to me, her hands are opened wide and my heart bursts into a thousand pieces. I reach down to her, but my legs give out, and I drop down onto the sandy ground beneath, wrapping my arms around her and holding her to me. Tears sting my eyes, and I don’t worry about stopping them. I inhale deeply, taking in a mixture of the ocean’s salt air and the sweet smell of baby. My baby.
I thought I was prepared to meet her. Then she called me daddy…does she know me? How is that even possible? She squirms against my tight hold, so I let her go slightly, looking down at her little face. I wanted her to look like her mom, and I can see parts of Tess in her, but the truth is she looks like me. Her little hand slaps at my nose, and she laughs again.
“Da-Da! Da-Da!”
“She uh…doesn’t know many words yet,” Tess says, and her voice is husky. Our eyes connect, and she has the same tears in hers that I do.
“How…” I clear my throat and try again when I can’t manage to get the words out the first time. “How does she know that I’m…?” I can’t finish the question. It’s just too big. I’m almost afraid of the answer.
Tess stands up, I can’t. I just sit there holding my daughter in my hands, feeling as if I’m drowning.
She comes to sit beside us and her sweet strawberry scent, a scent I’ve dreamed of and imagined for over a year and a half, closes around me and combines with that of the baby’s and feeling of rightness comes over me. A feeling of being right where I’m supposed to be. A feeling of being home.
“I have a picture of you. I keep it in a frame in Maddie’s room. Every night, after story time, we uh; we tell daddy goodnight.”
“Da-Da!” Maddie says on cue, her little hand slapping against my cheek.
“That’s right, baby, I am. I’m your daddy.” I say, and the words settle inside of me. I kiss her forehead again and hold her close for a second. I look over at the woman I love. The woman I’ve put through hell. The woman who despite everything has given me two of the most precious gifts in the world. Not only did she give me a child, she also taught that child who I was, even when I couldn’t be here—even when I pushed her away.
“Thank you, Tess,” I tell her, and it sounds lame to my ears. I owe her more. Hell, I owe her everything.
Tess draws her legs against her chest and wraps her arms around them. She looks so small and defenseless sitting there.
“Pa!” Maddie yells out with some more baby gibberish that no one really can understand. She’s jumping and stretching trying to get free from my hold, and there’s only one reason. Marcum. I resent the way she obviously loves him. The way she clearly chooses him over me, and I feel like a fucking loser for feeling that way, for being jealous. Of course she wants to go to him, she knows him. I’m just a man from a picture. That will change though. I have time now. I have all the time in the world. As my eyes lock on Tess, I vow not to waste it.