Total pages in book: 47
Estimated words: 45210 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 226(@200wpm)___ 181(@250wpm)___ 151(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 45210 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 226(@200wpm)___ 181(@250wpm)___ 151(@300wpm)
I roll over, flip the pillow over, and then punch it with my fist and lie back down again. But no matter how many times I turn or flip the pillow, I can’t get comfortable.
I give up and drag myself out of the bed. After digging my journal out of my backpack, I hold my breath as I open the bedroom door, hoping it doesn’t make any noise. I finally release the breath I’m holding and tiptoe out of the bedroom, past the couch and then make my way to the backdoor. I slide it open and step out into the night, pulling the door closed behind me.
I go past the couch and chairs and instead sit down on the steps that lead into the back yard. I set the journal down on the step and then wrap my arms around my knees.
The moon is still bright, and as I look up at the sky, emotion overwhelms me, and the tears start to fall. I’ve tried to be strong. I haven’t cried since my dad’s funeral, but it feels that everything is piling on top of me, and I can’t seem to hold it back anymore.
I don’t try to stop the tears and instead let them fall down my cheeks.
When I hear the back door open, I frantically start to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. I sniffle and try to contain myself as Kanan stands behind me.
I can just imagine what he’s thinking. He’s probably wishing I’d gone somewhere else and that I’m already more trouble than I’m worth. I sniff again and try to sound calm. “Hey, Kanan, I'm sorry for waking you up. I couldn’t sleep.”
He doesn’t say anything, and I hang my head between my shoulders. I expect him to go inside, but he surprises me when he comes to sit behind me. His legs are on each side of me, my back pressed to his front. His arms come around me, and he holds me to him. I’m tense and stiff against him, but he whispers in my ear, “Let it out, honey. I got you.”
I slowly lean back against him, and he tightens his hold on me. His arms and legs are bare, and he’s completely wrapped around me. My heart starts to race, and I know it’s going to happen. I’m going to start crying again. And this time when it starts, there’s no stopping it. I cry for what seems like forever, but Kanan doesn’t let me go. He keeps a hold of me, running a hand through my hair and tries to soothe me by telling me I’m okay and he’s got me.
Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop.
“Emmy, baby, I know I said I got you…. Fuck.” He blows out a breath. “Come here.”
When I don’t move, he tries to pull me up, and I know it’s hurting his arm, so I start to stand up, but I don’t get far. He slides to where I was sitting and then pulls me to his lap. He turns me until we’re chest to chest and holds me to him.
With my face against his neck, he holds on to me. “I know I said for you to let it out, but you’re breaking my heart here, Emmy.”
He keeps soothing me by stroking my hair and whispering softly to me as I try to calm myself down. When I lift my head, I know I’m a blubbering mess. “I’m sorry. I don’t know—”
He cuts me off and tips my chin up with his hand. “Don’t apologize. You’ve been dealing with a lot, and I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you.”
“It’s not your place. I’m not your responsibility.”
He frowns as if he hates what I’m saying. “It is my place. I’m sorry that I didn’t keep better tabs on you. I should have… I wanted to.”
He wanted to? I want to ask him about it but I don’t. I have my hands on his shoulders, and we’re so close, all I’d have to do is lean in a few inches, and I could be kissing him, but instead I lean back. “I’m going to get up. I know I’m killing your legs.”
His hands tighten around my waist for just a second, but then he releases me. I move off his lap, and this time, I sit next to him instead of in front of him. “I can’t believe I fell apart like that. I don’t normally cry, but it all just became too much, I guess.” I bring my knees up and wrap my arms around them. “That’s one thing: My dad wasn’t around a lot, but when he was, I didn’t have to worry about anything. He took care of everything.”
Kanan is holding his injured arm against his chest as if he’s hiding it from me. The other one is resting on his leg. “Your dad loved you, Emerson. He loved you more than anything. The job we had then, we didn’t have a lot of downtime, and I know it’s not fair to you, but he saved so many lives.”