Total pages in book: 123
Estimated words: 114467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 114467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 572(@200wpm)___ 458(@250wpm)___ 382(@300wpm)
She crosses her hands over her chest. “Do you love her?”
“Yes,” I answer her without having to think about it. I love her, and I didn’t even know how much I did until it was in front of me. I was too busy trying to get better that I didn’t know I was doing it with the end prize being Zoe. “With everything that I have,” I say and then look up into the sky and blink away the tears. “Even though it isn’t much.”
“So what’s your plan?” she asks me the loaded question.
“Right now, today, it’s to get better, stronger,” I tell her.
She shakes her head. “Where does Zoe fit in all that?” Her voice is tight.
“I want her there with me, beside me, holding my hand when they hand me my one-year chip,” I say out loud, and the words cut through me, but I know it’s the truth. “But she definitely deserves someone who doesn’t have so many things trying to take him down.”
“I agree with you there,” she says.
“Sweetheart,” Evan says, and she just gives a side-eye glare.
“You can’t disagree with me,” she says, looking at Evan. “She deserves better, but it’s her choice. He is who she chooses.” Then she turns to look at me. “Now the question is what are you going to do about it? What’s your game plan?”
“I don’t have one,” I tell her.
“Well, then it’s a good thing I’m here. Because I’m going to tell you what your plan is. You’re going to get better. You are going to complete your one year of sobriety, and then you’re going to go to her and beg her to take you back. You are going to prove to her that you’re the man she thinks you are. You are going to do all that,” she says and now she blinks away the big tears, “because she deserves that.”
“That’s five months away,” I tell her. “It’s almost one hundred and fifty days.”
“And?” she asks.
“And?” I answer her. “How am I supposed to not see her for five months?” I look at her. “How would you feel not being able to see Evan for five months? Knowing that he is right there yet not be able to see him?”
“It would be hell,” she answers softly. “It would be my absolute fear.” She looks at Evan. “But if I knew that in the long run, it would be me with him at the finish line, I would.”
“What if she forgets about me?” I ask my most feared question. “What if she starts dating and falls in love with someone else? What if someone finally gets their head out of their ass and realizes that she’s the best that there is out there? That no one comes close to how perfect she is.”
Evan tries to roll his lips, and Zara rolls her eyes. “She isn’t perfect.”
“She is,” I say softly. “She’s the definition of what perfect is.”
“Oh, God,” Evan says. “I just about threw up.” He looks at me, and I glare at him. “I get it now when Zoe says it.”
“Fuck you,” I tell him, and he just laughs.
“She isn’t going to fall in love with anyone. She’s getting over a broken heart, so she isn’t going to jump back out there.”
“I want to go to her,” I tell her the truth. “I want to go to her so much that it’s the only thing I think of, but then I know I can’t.”
“You have one hundred and fifty days to make sure she knows it was worth it,” Zara says, and then she looks at Evan. “We should get going.”
“Are you going to her?” I ask them, jealous that they are going to see her.
“No, she kicked us all out,” Zara says. “She has an appointment tomorrow, and she has to get ready for it, so she needs to focus.”
I just nod at her and get up with them. Zara comes over and hugs me. “Don’t fuck this up.” I just smile at her. “And if you do, it’s going to take a lot more than Evan to stop me from slicing off your dick.” She raises her eyebrows. “I’ll be in touch.”
“Sweetheart,” Evan says as they walk out, “you aren’t going anywhere near his dick.”
“God, Evan,” she says, and the door closes behind them. I look at the time and see it’s almost time for a meeting.
I walk to my normal meeting and nod to a couple of people who I’ve seen before when I walk in. I sit down and look around the circle. Only four of us sit while the others just linger talking to each other. When the meeting starts, I listen to the first guy go, and then I speak.
“I almost fell off the wagon two days ago,” I start, looking down at the floor. “The coke was lined up on the table, the bill was in my hand, and all it would have taken was me leaning over, and it would have been over,” I tell them and then look up. “My heart was beating a million miles a minute, and I knew with just one hit, it would take it all away. I knew with one hit, it would all be okay. But then …” I look at everyone, their eyes on me, and I know that none of them will sit there and judge me. “Then something caught my eye. My key chain telling me one day at a time. I was so close to losing everything that I’d fought for, and I stepped back. I knew that as good as that hit would be, the aftermath wasn’t worth it. Then to top it off, I looked up and saw her.” Now a couple of people nod. “I knew I liked her, but I didn’t know that I had fallen in love with her.” I rub my face now. “I fell in love with her, and she walked away from me. And at that moment, I hated myself more than ever before. I hated the drug more than ever. I hated everything that had to do with the drug. Knowing that it had that power over me.”