Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 115737 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115737 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
‘Yes, she called me. Angry. Tearful. I can’t fucking blame her. An abortion, Annie?’
My jaw quivers – I’m mad, sad, relieved. ‘I wanted you out of my life completely.’
He flinches, swallowing down the hurt my statement has spiked. Then he starts to gently knock the back of his head against the wall, the hollows of his cheeks pulsing. ‘I’ve spent the past week trying to make sense of this fucked-up situation. Stephanie’s flounced around with such a satisfied grin on her fucking face, ordering baby equipment like it’s going out of fucking fashion.’ He stops with the head bumps and clenches his fists. ‘And not once did it feel right. Not once did I feel happy, and she hasn’t even questioned it. She’s quite content with my misery. Because a baby is going to solve everything. It’ll make me love her.’
He laughs sardonically, thumping his forehead with the flat of his fist. ‘I found her contraceptive pills,’ he breathes. ‘Unopened. Not one of them gone. She hasn’t missed a few. She hasn’t been taking them at all. Not for months. I confronted her, and she denied it. She lied to my fucking face. I realised in that moment that I hated her. I couldn’t stay in that madness. Not even for a baby, and now I’m wondering what kind of fucking arsehole I really am.’
He rubs his eyes, and I can tell it’s to hold back the tears. He’s reached his breaking point. The big, strong man I love has finally cracked.
My heart breaks for him. He’s a mess, but rather than rushing over there to comfort him, my legs give and I have to lower myself into the chair. ‘She did that to you,’ I say, looking at his shredded T-shirt, knowing there’ll be angry claw marks beneath.
‘She didn’t want me to leave.’ He pushes away from the wall and comes to me, kneeling between my legs. ‘My head has been everywhere, Annie. When Stephanie told me she was pregnant I felt like someone had snatched away the rest of my life. And then the guilt that came because of that ate me alive.’ He takes my hands, his grey eyes begging me to understand. ‘I didn’t know what I was doing. I was lost.’
He pulls me forward until our foreheads meet.
‘All I could think of was you,’ he says. ‘How I would carry on without you. How I’d survive without ever touching you or holding you in my arms again.’ His hands move to my face and smooth down my wet cheek. ‘Every day became darker until my world was black. I can’t live like that.’ His voice breaks, and one stray tear rolls down his face. ‘I can’t live without you.’
Despite my own tears, a small piece of my heart clicks back together as I listen to him pouring his soul out, trying to make me understand. ‘I’m pregnant,’ I whimper pitifully, like that news might have escaped him. My body starts to tremble as I crumple in the chair, feeling fraught and weak. But I’m relieved too. So relieved. My mind might have failed me in that room, but my body didn’t, choosing to shut down into protective mode and bring everything to a stop when my mouth failed to voice my demand to halt the doctors.
Jack smiles. It’s a huge smile, full of genuine elation, and it’s truly a sight to behold. It makes his eyes sparkle crazily as they fall to my tummy. I see life in him again. He dips and kisses my T-shirt, then rests his head in my lap, slipping his hands around my back.
We’re sitting in an abortion clinic. I suddenly feel like a monster, dirty and immoral. My senses have been clouded by grief, my thought processes purposely stemmed in an attempt to curb my hurt.
‘I need to get out of here,’ I murmur. ‘Please, get me out of here.’ Jack helps me to my feet and collects my bag from the floor before holding a firm arm around my waist as he walks me out of the room, constantly looking down at me as if checking that I’m okay. I’m so okay. I have my Jack.
We meet Lizzy in the waiting area and walk out to the car park together, saying our goodbyes with hugs and promises to speak later. Jack thanks her, which she accepts with an affectionate rub of his arm. Her gesture is small, but it means the world to me.
Jack helps me into his car, gets me comfy, fussing and faffing around me until I resort to batting him away. ‘Jack, I’m fine,’ I assure him, and he scowls at me in response. ‘I’m fine,’ I breathe, leaning my head back, my hand involuntarily resting on my stomach.
The whole drive home, he holds my hand while I let my mind run away with me, wondering exactly what happens now. I have Jack back. My happiness should be complete. Yet I can’t ignore my apprehension, and I don’t think I should. We’re going to have to think carefully about how we approach this, decide together and be strong. This isn’t going to be easy. But my reward is Jack. Whether I deserve him or not is something I’m past agonising over.