Total pages in book: 124
Estimated words: 115737 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 115737 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 579(@200wpm)___ 463(@250wpm)___ 386(@300wpm)
‘Annie,’ Lizzy says quietly, pointing the pen at the form and looking at me apologetically. ‘What do you want me to put here?’
I lean in and read the question. My reason for undergoing the procedure? I don’t know what comes over me. I start laughing, drawing the curiosity of everyone in the room, yet the attention doesn’t embarrass me, nor does it make me stop. I take the clipboard from Lizzy, ignoring her alarmed face as I continue chuckling.
Then I write the most inappropriate response I guess has ever been written on one of these forms. I fill the box with a shortened version of my life these past few months. I note the wife, her pregnancy, and I finish it off with, ‘I bet she won’t be here to have her baby sucked from her womb.’ I sign where indicated, slam the pen down and shove the form back into Lizzy’s lap. Then my laughter abruptly transforms into body-jerking sobs. I cover my face with my hands and let my tears pour into them.
‘Oh shit, Annie.’ Lizzy sighs, placing the clipboard at her feet and throwing her arms around me, hushing me gently. ‘It’s not too late,’ she soothes, rubbing at my back. ‘You can’t do this unless you’re one hundred per cent sure. I won’t let you.’
It’s way past too late. ‘I’m sure,’ I weep, lying, breaking away from Lizzy and wiping at my eyes.
All the thoughts I’ve safely pushed to the deepest parts of my mind have come thundering forward as I sit here in the waiting room, waiting to be called so they can rid my body of my final reminder of Jack. Unexpected anger starts to bubble in my tummy. I focus on the perfection of my surroundings, the relaxed atmosphere, the friendliness of the staff and the luxurious environment. They’re trying to make everyone who walks through that door as comfortable as possible about what they’re going to do. Make them forget. Because something as hideous as an abortion couldn’t possibly happen in such a lovely place.
‘Miss Ryan?’ I look up to find another smiling member of the staff standing over me. ‘We’re ready for you. If you’d like to come with me.’ She gestures the way.
Like? Would I like to? I get to my feet with Lizzy’s help and slowly start to follow, my legs heavy, my heart heavier.
We’re shown into a room. More luxury. I’m directed to a chair. More comfort. I’m spoken to by a nurse. More friendliness. I blindly sign more forms with the nurse’s lovely silver pen. I feel like I’ve stepped out of my body. I’m standing to the side, watching people talk at me as I sit in the chair like a zombie, someone holding my hand comfortingly. Lizzy is next to me, answering questions, helping things along.
It’s a blur. Everything is a blur. I’m surrounded by activity in slow motion and a fuzz of white noise. I nod when I think I should be nodding and I stand to let Lizzy help me into a gown. Then I’m being guided through another door, Lizzy holding my hand until she’s forced to drop it when I’m out of reach. I hear her suppressed sob as I enter a room that’s clinical and white. There’s a bed and medical equipment at every turn – medical equipment that’s going to kill my baby. My breaths start to come shallow and fast, my body chilling to the bone but sweating. I don’t want to do this. I can’t talk as my hand is taken, can’t speak to tell them that I’ve changed my mind. I’m helped onto the hard bed. A friendly face appears, floating over me, his mouth moving but I’m not hearing his words. My stomach swirls, my head spins.
All I can hear is Stop!
Stop them!
I feel tapping on the back of my hand. I see a needle coming closer. ‘No,’ I mumble. ‘I ca . . .’ My words fade to a slur.
Then everything goes black.
I feel groggy, exhausted and sick. The heat that my body is giving off is unbearable, yet I’m shivering uncontrollably. I move a little, feeling a thin sheet shift across my body. Then I open my eyes. And I remember where I am. And intense pain steams forward and makes my stomach convulse. I roll onto my side and throw up in long, painful heaves. But nothing comes up. Just bile.
A flurry of activity breaks out, nurses appearing from every direction. ‘Annie!’ Lizzy’s stricken voice hurts my ears and I moan, dropping onto my back. ‘Annie, can you hear me?’ I blink, waiting for my vision to clear, and when it does, I see her suspended over the bed with pure dread distorting her pretty face. But she only holds my bleary attention for a few seconds, because someone standing behind her steals it.