Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 92140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“Oh, Zach, it wasn’t.” I lay down again, wrapping my arms around him. “Don’t say that.”
“Other kids my age, friends of mine, hated having their little sisters around. They’d be so mean about it. But I never minded.”
I kissed his chest, holding my lips to his skin.
“There was no one to punish for it,” he said. “It felt like a crime, but there was no bad guy—just me.”
Tears slipped from my eyes. “You weren’t the bad guy, Zach.”
“I was so angry—so fucking angry after that. I was just waiting to be able to put it somewhere. I wanted to fight. And I didn’t care if I got killed or not. I didn’t give a single fuck. I just wanted to fight the bad guys and protect the innocent. Like I’d failed to protect her.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I just held him.
My heart ached for him—for the little boy who blamed himself for his beloved sister’s tragic death, for the angry teenager determined to fight bad guys because he couldn’t fight himself, for the man in my bed who still carried it all with him.
“I’ve never said this stuff to anyone,” he said.
“Thank you for telling me,” I whispered, wiping my eyes.
He kissed my head. “Do you wish you’d have told me to leave earlier?”
“Not at all. We’re going to be friends, right? Friends trust each other with their deepest secrets.”
“So what’s yours?”
“Well, don’t tell anyone, but I banged my ex’s dad.”
“Very funny.” He shifted onto his side and propped his head in his hand. “I’m serious. Tell me something about you. Something no one else knows.”
“Hmmm.” I tried to think of something I’d never even told my sisters. “There is one thing . . . but it’s embarrassing.”
He tapped my nose. “Tell me.”
“Okay.” I took a breath. “Over the past few months, I’ve been googling something kind of weird.”
“Millie, we all watch porn.”
I slapped his chest. “It’s not porn. It’s . . . sperm banks.”
“Sperm banks?” He made a face. “Like for donor sperm?”
“Yes. Lately I’ve been starting to worry that if I don’t find the one, I might miss out on my chance to have a family. I hate to say people are right about the biological clock thing, but there’s truth there. Once you hit thirty-five, you’re considered of advanced maternal age.”
“I remember Kimberly—my ex-wife—saying something similar.”
“Anyway, it’s just something at the back of my mind. Nothing I’m obsessing over.”
He stroked his hand up and down my shoulder. “So tell me about this one. What are you looking for?”
“Well, he has to be a nice person. Smart, but I don’t need a genius. He should have a solid job, something stable. And I’d like it if he could make me laugh, or at least had a good personality.”
Zach stared at me. “That’s it? A nice guy with a stable job, not too smart, somewhat funny?” He shook his head. “Babe, you’re selling yourself short.”
“I’m not,” I argued. “I didn’t mention money because I know it doesn’t buy happiness. And I didn’t mention looks because those fade. I’ve seen Beauty and the Beast. I know beauty lies within.”
He laughed. “But you could do so much better than the average Joe you just described. That guy is beneath you. You’d be bored.”
“Boring would be fine,” I countered, sitting up. “Boring is at least safe. I don’t want someone who thinks he could run out the door and find a better life—I want him to need me. I never want to be scared he’ll leave.” The words were out before I realized what I was saying. I wanted to double back and try to explain it in a way that didn’t make me sound afraid and insecure, but I thought maybe it would be better if I just stopped talking.
“I understand,” Zach said.
Embarrassed I’d gotten so worked up, I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to rant.”
“Come here.” He tugged me back down, so I was snuggled alongside his body again, and pulled the covers up. “You have the right to do anything you want with your life. If you want to use a sperm donor to have a baby, go for it.”
“Well, I don’t want to. I’m just worried about waiting around too long, looking for my average Joe. What’s taking him so long?”
“Is it selfish of me to say I’m glad you haven’t found him yet?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “But I don’t mind. If he was here, you wouldn’t be. And right now, all I want is you.”
When I woke up, he wasn’t next to me. I sat up, wondering if he’d taken off without saying goodbye. I sat up, clutching the blankets to my chest. It was still dark. I reached over and tapped my phone screen to check the time and discovered it was just before four.