Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 81401 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81401 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 407(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 271(@300wpm)
“Where ya been?” I jump and place my hand against the wall to steady myself. Van is sitting at the dining room table, and I imagine he’s staring at me. Only after I press the button on the wall do I see him and his red-rimmed eyes.
“What are you doing here?”
“It’s my house,” he says even though I’m shaking my head.
“You should leave, Van. We have nothing to discuss.”
He picks up the papers that are in front of him and clenches them. “We have everything to discuss.”
As hard as I try, I can’t hold back the tears. Unfortunately for me, Van mistakes my weakness as a sign that I’m willing to let him hold me. Once his hands reach for me, I’m pushing him away. “Don’t touch me,” I tell him as I stagger back.
“Zara, you have to let me explain.”
“There is nothing you can say to change what I saw you doing, Van. Nothing. So how could there be an explanation? Are you going to tell me that you fell into her? That you’d think I’d be stupid enough to believe that? I saw the look you gave me when I interrupted you. You were pissed off that you couldn’t finish.”
“You don’t know that, Z.” His voice is weak and lacks the confidence he usually has.
“Are you for real, right now? Of course, I know it because I know every single expression that you have. I’ve seen that face before.”
I brush past him and head upstairs. He follows, which I knew he would, causing me to immediately regret my decision to leave the main floor.
“Zara, you need to hear me out. She means nothing.”
“Ah,” I scoff as I turn to face him. “Means nothing, huh? So you’re still banging her? You disgust me, Van. You must think that I’m naïve or so desperate for you to love me that I’m willing to believe your bullshit. Even after I caught you, you went back and finished the job.”
“Zara,” he says, reaching for me, but I pull away.
“Get out, Van,” I say as I walk into the room we once shared and into the closet. He still has a pile of clothes hanging in the closet, and I promptly start pulling them down.
“What are you doing?” he asks as I set an armful down on the bed.
“What don’t you get?” I ask, facing him. “You cheated. You destroyed our marriage with a single act and every day since I question how long you’ve been unfaithful to me. I throw up thinking about how you’ve put me at risk for diseases. My heart breaks at the betrayal that I never thought you were capable of. You did this, Van. Not me.”
“I’m sorry, Z. I am. I want to stop, but I think I’m sick. I think I have a sex addiction.”
“Well, you better seek help before your dick falls off,” I tell him before I head back into the closet. “I don’t know what you expect from me, Van, but you knew that cheating was a hard limit for me and yet you did it anyway. You know what Darian and I went through when my dad did this to my mom, how it hurt that he could throw his family away like that. I have never been more thankful that we don’t have children as I am now.”
“You don’t mean that, Z.”
“I do,” I say as I hand him a pile of clothes. “I can’t imagine going through this with children. It’s bad enough that the band is suffering because of it.”
“The band. . .”
Van pauses, and for a brief second, I think he’s about to tell me that he’s quitting. But calmer thoughts prevail, and while this would be what I want, the timing is wrong. We’re about to embark on a tour in a few months and losing Van would definitely hurt the band, but he is replaceable.
“What about the band?”
He shakes his head and leaves me standing in the closet while he goes and sits on the bed. After he sets the pile of clothes down, his fingers are pushing through his hair. “There isn’t an easy way to say this.”
“Just spit it out. It’s not like you can shock me any more than you have.”
“Laura thinks it’s best that I take some time off.”
“Of course she does because you’re fucking her, too.”
Van meets my eyes, and for a minute I think he’s about to deny it, but doesn’t. Instead, he breaks his gaze and looks everywhere but at me.
“I’m going to check into rehab, Z. That’s why I’m here. I want you to wait for me, to hold off on the divorce. To give us a chance when I get out.”
I swallow hard at his words but shake my head. “I can’t, Van. What you did. . .” I turn around and head into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me. I turn on the water to drown out the wave of tears that is about to take over my body. Van and I had so much going for us, and he ruined it. One mistake and our world came tumbling down around us. If he’s addicted to sex, that means he’s been doing this longer than I know. I can’t bring myself to ask him how long he’s been cheating because I don’t want to know the answer. It’s hard knowing that I wasn’t enough for him, that he had to seek pleasure elsewhere. I have loved that man since I was seventeen and this is how he shows me what that love has meant.