Total pages in book: 119
Estimated words: 114284 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 571(@200wpm)___ 457(@250wpm)___ 381(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 114284 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 571(@200wpm)___ 457(@250wpm)___ 381(@300wpm)
Sometimes, we had to wade through a creek of unease to find a new comfort zone better than the last.
If only Lane knew how much I’d thought about this yesterday. Lane was now a folder on my laptop, where I’d analyzed every moment I remembered, where I’d started a library with links to articles about ADHD, where I’d gathered everything I knew about anxiety, and where I’d begun mapping out pieces of structure that might benefit him.
The times he and I had been at it, we’d both craved closeness afterward. He’d wanted the bed on the boat, not the sunbed above deck. He’d wanted us under the sheets and often my arm around him. He’d had a hankering for ice cream and quiet music or movies. He’d wanted his world small.
“Eat some more.” I combed my fingers through his hair briefly and patted his head.
“Okay.”
“‘Yes, Sir’ is a better response,” I said on reflex. “I’ve given that some thought, and I think there are specific scenarios where I will prefer more structured D/s lingo. This would be one of them, when my sub and I are either gearin’ up for play or comin’ down from it.”
“Yes, Sir,” he said quickly. Avoiding eye contact once more. He went back to eating. “May I ask, um, what changed your mind?”
Other than you?
It would be the military again. Contrary to what one might believe, this wasn’t all about him. “It started with you,” I admitted. “But I’m slowly realizin’ I need somethin’ to counter the hedonist in me. I gotta keep that guy in check.”
Lane sent me a quick smile. “When you told me about that lifestyle, it was way more interesting than I thought it would be. And to be honest, less, um… Like, if I were to stumble upon a self-proclaimed hedonist online, I’d picture some porn-addicted serial dater on a nudist beach living in a hippie van.”
I chuckled. Thank God he didn’t believe that about me.
Hedonism might have its principles, but it was as personal as religion. To me, it was a string of lifestyle choices, from what I ate to keeping things as simple as possible, from not being too materialistic to staying close to nature. Sure, pleasure and primal fun played their part, but it was also about going back to basics.
“I especially liked the story about your grandfather,” Lane murmured.
I nodded once and smiled at the memory of the old man. It was from him I’d gotten my penchant for hedonism. As he’d always said, “Leave a mark in the minds of people you love, not on the ground.”
Unfortunately, aside from his simple lifestyle and love for the wilderness, he’d tipped the scale when it came to indulgences. He’d smoked like a chimney, taken strong painkillers for any ailment, he’d lived on diner food, and he’d treated his insomnia with alcohol.
“He’s a good example,” I said. “If he’d balanced the hedonism with healthy structure, he might still be here.”
“True.”
“And since I spent so many years in the military, the Air Force has shaped my ways of thinkin’ a great deal,” I continued. “That’s why I see a pre-play negotiation as a way to brief someone. You and I play similarly in that we don’t wanna swap too much information, and it makes the way you communicate even more important. For instance, before we sent Colt and his fellow pilots out on an assignment where we deployed a new missile system update, we briefed one another using a language impossible to misunderstand. Nobody said sure or okay in response.”
Lane looked up at me, his eyes revealing a glint of humor but also a soft dose of understanding. He got it. “That actually makes sense.”
“Don’t sound so surprised,” I chuckled.
He snickered and reached for the bread.
“So, going forward,” I said, “I want you to use more polite, typical D/s responses in our conversations. And in the future, that’s what I want for my sub during pre-play and aftercare.”
“Understood, Sir. Because to you soldier types, the aftercare is the debrief?”
I completely ignored him calling me a soldier. Fucking brat. I wasn’t Army.
“That’s exactly it—and after the assignment, the debrief or aftercare is just as important.”
“I’m with you. I mean, I totally understand, Sir.”
I killed my laugh by sticking a spoonful of food into my mouth.
“I like that, by the way,” he said. “I guess I should be objective in these talks, but personally, those are good moments for that sort of communication.”
His admission gave me a boost of confidence. I was on the right track, then.
“You don’t have to be the least bit objective,” I told him. “It’s your perspective I want.”
Then the rest of you.
“If I one day meet someone who wants distance durin’ aftercare, I’ll make changes.” But that wasn’t happening. “Although, this is about my needs too. This is how I would prefer aftercare to go down. And it doesn’t even have to be after playtime. Sometimes, we come home from a shitty day at work and need some tendin’ to. I wanna be there for my partner then too.”