Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 461(@200wpm)___ 369(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“Oh! Uh, I only fall in love with assholes.” That hadn’t been what I’d planned to say, but Maren had me flustered. Thankfully, everyone laughed, even Harmony and my sister. “Sorry,” I said, holding up two hands. “I probably could have phrased that more elegantly. I’m failing at life today.”
“The truth isn’t always elegant,” said Harmony. “And I like your honesty and self-awareness. Look at those things as triumphs.”
After we all voiced our most nagging negative thoughts, Harmony explained that we needed to change the way we thought and felt about ourselves in order to change the frequency at which we were vibrating in the universe. I managed not to roll my eyes, but let Maren know with a giant sigh how I felt. She elbowed me again. “Just go with it, okay? For me, if not for yourself?”
“Fine. For you. But you owe me a real smoothie for this. Not one with kale in it.”
“Deal.”
So for the next twenty minutes, I listened to Harmony explain how positive affirmations could help us change our frequencies. She then gave each of us suggestions based on our individual needs. For Maren, she suggested something like I am a positive contribution to this world. For me, she suggested I am deserving of a supportive, loving, awesome relationship.
I kind of liked it.
“So? What did you think?” Maren asked as we sat sipping our smoothies.
“I thought the thing about our vibrations in the universe was a bunch of hooey, but the rest of it kind of made sense. I felt bad when everyone was voicing their negative thoughts.”
She nodded. “Same.”
“Do you really feel that way?” I asked her. “Like you don’t really matter to the world?”
“Sometimes.” She looked down at her smoothie. “I often struggle with what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. When I was dancing, I felt like I really had purpose. I was creating something. But I’ve sort of been wandering since then.”
“But you have a job you love, and you have peace and balance and inner homeogenius.”
That made her smile. “Homeostasis.”
I smiled back, then I tilted my head. “It really surprises me that you feel that way.”
Her cheeks went a little pink. “I do have all those things, and it feels really first world of me to complain that I don’t have purpose in life when so many people in the world are suffering. I think that might be it—I’d like to do something outside myself, something bigger. I just don’t know what.”
“You’ll figure it out, Maren,” I said, putting a hand on hers. “You’re destined for something great. I know it.” It made me feel a little better actually, to think that someone as comfortable with herself as Maren seemed had her own brand of self-doubt. Not that I wanted my sister to feel bad, but something about knowing she occasionally did made me feel less alone.
Later on, when I was pouring myself a glass of wine and waiting for my frozen Lean Cuisine Enchilada Verde to cook, I tried out my positive affirmation. “I am deserving of a supportive, loving, awesome relationship,” I said aloud. It felt a little weird, but I did it again anyway. “I am deserving of a supportive, loving, awesome relationship.”
I repeated it again as I rinsed my dishes and put them in the dishwasher. And again as I brushed my teeth. And again as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.
Did it make me feel less sad about Nate? No. I missed his voice and his smile and his arms around me so badly, it was a struggle not to break down and give my pillow another good soak.
However, I did start to believe it, and feel slightly better about my decision to stand up for myself and let him know that what he did was not okay. I deserved better in life, and it was up to me to go after it.
The next morning, I texted my cousin Mia that I’d thought about it long enough, and I’d decided to accept her offer.
Twenty
Nate
I slept on and off the first half of Sunday, alternating naps with periods of self-loathing and regret. There was a decent amount of self-pity as well, which was sort of pathetic and disgusting, but I kept telling myself that I’d done what I had to, everyone was better off, and even though it hurt, I was taking this pain for the greater good. I was a martyr.
Like I said. Pathetic.
I texted Rachel asking about Paisley, and she told me she’d spoken to her pediatrician, who said to bring her in on Tuesday for a check-up but as long as the fever stayed under a hundred he wasn’t too concerned. Rachel promised to text me an update sometime this evening, and I messaged her back with my firm’s address, telling her I’d meet her there at nine AM. I also emailed my boss and said I’d be back to work earlier than expected.