Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 73794 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73794 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 369(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
“Thirty.” I clapped him on the shoulder as I watched Kai’s parents tearfully reunite with the preschooler. This scene could have so easily gone the other way. My throat tightened and my hands were as shaky as if I’d been the one in the water.
Caleb, on the other hand, was as cool as ever, debriefing Sean and the other personnel, managing to stay professional even as he kept glancing over at Scotty and the other teens. I took a deep breath, steadying my nerves. I’d spent days wanting a repeat of that kiss and enjoying Caleb’s company, but for the first time, I respected Caleb as a fellow operator.
Respect led to admiration, led to a deepening of the like I already had for the guy. Physical attraction was one thing, but a sense of connection was far more dangerous than any mission I’d ever been a part of.
After we were back at the booth, my head continued to swim with thoughts about the respect people earned and the risks worth taking. My foggy head and post-crisis adrenaline made me that much jumpier with each distant firecracker.
“Hey. How you holding up?” Caleb asked in a low voice, coming up next to me, more of that distracting nearness. “You want me to see if there’s some task back at the station you could do? The noise will only get worse as the night drags on.”
“Absolutely not. I’m not leaving. I’m fine.” I glared at him. “And don’t tell anyone else about how I hate the noise.”
“I won’t.” He rolled his eyes at me, adding a loud huff. “I’ll add it to the list of shit we’re not talking about.”
“Caleb.” Whispering, I drew his name out to double the usual syllables.
“What? I’ve been good all week.” He held up his hands. “You said it didn’t happen, so it didn’t.”
“It shouldn’t have. Couldn’t have.” I ground out each word out. If only forgetting were as easy as willing it so. I glanced around, but no one was paying us any attention. “And definitely won’t again.”
“What’s your deal?” Caleb grimaced as if the words had a sour taste. “Eric’s your best friend, but you sure give off closeted vibes.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Uh-huh.” He shot me the most pointed look ever, sharp enough to pinch some delicate place in my chest. “Says every straight dude ever.”
“Look.” I exhaled hard. The festival continued to swirl around us, happy, oblivious people. I’d very deliberately never had this conversation with anyone, including myself, but something about Caleb invited reflection and honesty. “I suppose I’ve always known that multiple genders can turn me on. But I spent twenty years in a special operations environment that isn’t exactly known as being queer-friendly. And that’s not counting the years of football. Hooking up with women was…convenient…simple. I have zero interest in long-term anyway. It was easiest to never open the box of what-ifs.”
“Yet, you kissed me, much as you want to pretend otherwise.”
I made a frustrated noise. I couldn’t deny the attraction or my actions. “Sorry.”
“Apology not accepted.” Caleb shook his head. “You want to regret it, fine, but don’t rope me into your guilt sandwich.”
“I’m not sorry we kissed. Wish I was. That would be easier.”
“For you, maybe.” He shrugged, like deciding which flavor of chips to buy, not like my entire self-concept was suddenly in question.
“I meant I’m sorry you got caught up in my…confusion.”
“Ah. Good ol’ confusion. Another word straight guys love, right up there with curious.”
“I’m not confused about the attraction.” I made a frustrated noise. “It’s more that I’ve never let myself go there, no matter how…intrigued. The consequences always seemed too great.” I leaned heavily on the nearby folding table, gazing off into the distance, taking in all the families having picnic dinners. I spied more than one same-sex parent duo, and the mayor herself was married to a woman. All those consequences felt…softer somehow. I licked my lower lip. “But now…”
“Now you get to make your own rules.”
My pulse sped up. “I’ve lived by others’ rules so long that I doubt I could change.”
“You could. You should.” He looked straight into my eyes, blue daggers that delved past every defense I had. “And I say that as a queer, chubby kid who landed in the crosshairs of every bully in the school district, but living as myself now is priceless. No other choice for me.”
Before I could reply, Sean came bustling over to direct most of our crew closer to where the fireworks show would take place. The show had yet to start, but there was still plenty of noise from kids with poppers and nearby backyard firecrackers.
“Hey, Captain.” Caleb sidled up to Sean, rubbing his temples. “I’m battling a headache, and we’re hella close to the action. You mind if I grab a pair of ear defenders from the rig?”