Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 333(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 333(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
“Me too.” He was softening, and soon he’d have to pull out. “I’m sorry…for earlier…and for all the times I’ve been short or quiet with you.”
“Shh. That doesn’t matter. I understand.” Ryder stood up straight. He grabbed my underwear and wiped the piano down, before taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom. It didn’t matter that we were cummy and sweaty; we climbed into bed together. I could wash the sheets in the morning.
24
Ryder
I felt like I was going behind Hutch’s back. Actually, I didn’t just feel like I was going behind his back, I was, but I didn’t know what else to do.
The day after we ran into his family at the restaurant, I called Mads. It was a couple more days before she was able to meet with me, but the fact that she was willing at all meant the world to me. She didn’t have to, and honestly, I hadn’t been sure what she was going to say when I’d asked.
We’d decided to go to Piedmont Park. I figured it would be better to do this in private since I had no idea how it was going to go. She deserved better than to talk about something so emotional in a restaurant full of people. She deserved better than all this, though, but at least at the park, we could find our own quiet place to chat.
I told her I would bring lunch, so I’d packed sandwiches, potato salad, and fresh fruit. When I arrived at the lot, she was already there waiting for me, wearing yoga pants, a tank top, and sneakers.
She was wringing her hands, not having seen me yet, and Christ, this sucked. How could the best thing to ever happen to me be something that hurt people so much?
Mads looked up, her eyes holding mine. I smiled and headed over.
“Hutch know you’re here?” she asked.
“No.”
“But you’re here for him?”
“Mads…”
“It’s a simple question, Ryder.”
I sighed. “Yeah, I’m here for him, but I’d like to think this is what’s best for all of us.”
She nodded, and we started walking. We didn’t say where we were going, just went automatically and settled beneath a tree where we used to come when we were younger. We’d had picnics there before and played Frisbee in the grass not far away.
“This okay?” I asked, suddenly feeling unsure.
“It is what it is, Ryder. Here, give me the blanket. I’ll lay it out.”
She took it from where it sat over my arm, unfolded it, and stretched it out. I set the basket on it, and the two of us sat down.
“I brought ham and cheese. I know that’s your favorite.”
“Actually…I’m vegetarian now.”
“Oh, wow. I had no idea. I’m sorry. There’s potato salad and fruit.”
“That’s fine, and how could you know? It’s not like we’ve been close these past years, and I’m sure my eating habits didn’t come up when you were with Hutch.” I could tell she hadn’t meant anything by the comment, but it was a reminder that I was with Hutch. That we were together and we talked about things and she wasn’t the connection.
“You know we never meant for this to happen. It’s not something we ever would have sought out or followed through with if we hadn’t started falling for each other before we knew who the other person was.”
She tilted her head down, picked at her fingernail. “My head knows that.” She tapped her temple. “Here I know you never meant to hurt me. I know that if it wasn’t the real deal, you and Hutch would have walked away. I know you’re gay and that we never had a chance, and hell, if I were honest, I’d probably admit that even all those years ago—even from the start, instead of it being something I figured out along the way—I knew something was off between us. That you loved me, but you didn’t love me the way I loved you. I think…I think you were my best friend. I think you wanted me to be happy, and you felt sorry for me, and—”
“No.” I shook my head. “It wasn’t about feeling sorry for you.”
“On some level it was. I was the sick girl, and you’re a gentleman, Ryder. You wanted to save the day. You wanted to be my prince because you were afraid I wouldn’t have my happily ever after. That’s not shameful. I’m not even sure you realized you were doing it, but I know you well enough to look back and see what I refused to see back then.”
My eyes welled up. I swiped the stray tear that leaked out.
“The truth is, I wanted you to be my prince too. I wanted that love story. I wanted a knight in shining armor because I felt sorry for me too. Like I said before, I’ve been working on that, and some other things too, even before you came back. I wanted to be saved. I wanted to be protected. I didn’t want to do it on my own. It’s a long process unlearning all those behaviors that are so deeply engrained into me, but I’ve been trying.”