Total pages in book: 111
Estimated words: 102136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 340(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 511(@200wpm)___ 409(@250wpm)___ 340(@300wpm)
I lay down, holding Beatrix in my arms. I wanted to go too. I wanted the flames to take me away too. I wanted to be with Maddie and Beatrix. I wanted to be wherever they were… I couldn’t live without them… I couldn’t live without them…
My eyes snapped open and I jumped from the bed. My legs were weak. I held the wall, trying to breathe, trying to fucking breathe!
“Flame?” I heard Maddie’s voice. In my head I saw Maddie dead on the bed, blood poured from her wrists like mama… Maddie had died… I lifted my head and Maddie was holding Beatrix in her arms. Beatrix was crying. She was crying. The sound hurt my ears. She was hurt. Something was wrong with her.
“Why is she crying?” I asked as Maddie held her close to her chest.
“She is okay, Flame. She had a dirty diaper. And now she is hungry. I am going to feed her.” Maddie shifted Beatrix on her chest and then held out her hand. I shook my head. I didn’t want to touch her. “Come, baby. Sit with us while I feed her.” Maddie smiled, and I felt a fucking crack in my chest. My head was still leaning against the wall. I saw tears fill Maddie’s eyes. She was hurting. I didn’t want her to hurt. “Spend time with us,” she begged. Her voice cracked. It sounded weak.
“I… I have church,” I said. I took my leathers from the chair and pulled them on. I pulled on my cut.
Maddie didn’t move. “Shh,” she whispered to Beatrix. “I think she looks like you,” Maddie said. She turned Beatrix’s face toward me. I dropped my eyes. I couldn’t see her face. In my dream she stopped breathing. She stopped blinking… I killed her. I hurt her.
“I have to go,” I insisted, and walked toward the living room.
“We love you,” Maddie said as I passed. I stopped, feeling as if someone had just taken a battering ram to my fucking stomach.
“I love you too,” I replied, then opened the door to our living room. Ash was coming out of his room.
“Ready?” he asked. I nodded and pushed out of the door to go outside. I jumped on my bike and roared the fucking engine to life. The loud sound blocked out Beatrix’s crying.
“Shit!” Viking said, getting on his bike beside me. “My little princess has got a fucking set of lungs on her.” He smiled. “Takes after her favorite uncle, huh?” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
I pulled out of the clearing, fucking burning gravel toward the compound. The wind smacked my face as I rode. But all I could see was Maddie on the bed, and Beatrix in my arms. I didn’t wanna hurt them. I didn’t fucking wanna hurt them. My veins throbbed and my skin itched. I wanted to cut them. I wanted to fucking cut them open and find some fucking release.
But … it did not burn… My mama’s voice spoke to my head. What if the flames were not devil-cursed, but instead were beacons of good… Maddie spoke next. I pulled my bike to a stop and ran my fingers over my wrist.
“You good?” AK stopped beside me. He was looking at my wrist. I nodded and got off my bike. I followed Viking and AK into the new clubhouse. It smelled of new wood and paint. I could feel Ash at my back. We walked into church and I sat down. I pressed my hands into my eyes, but all I saw was Beatrix, dead in my arms. What if I killed her? What if I held Beatrix and killed her? Maddie would never forgive me. She loved her.
I thought back to Maddie giving birth. She’d screamed. She’d fucking cried in pain, and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it. I hated it. I fucking hated it. I wanted to kill someone. I wanted to demand Ruth to stop making Maddie fucking hurt so bad. But Maddie had told me it had to happen. To have Beatrix, it’d had to happen. Then when Maddie had seen Beatrix, when she’d held her to her chest, Maddie smiled. She smiled so fucking big, it caved in my chest. She loved her. She loved her so fucking much. I couldn’t hurt her. I couldn’t take her away from her. Beatrix was so small…
Now Maddie was sad. She cried when she thought I wasn’t listening. “He will hold you someday, my heart,” I heard her say. “He loves you so much too. But we have to give him time. Your papa just needs time.”
Styx walked into the room and shut the door, snapping me from my fucked up head. He sat at the top of the table and lifted his hands. “We got drops in Georgetown, Marble Falls and Dripping Springs.” Brothers nodded their heads around the table. “Tank, Bull and Tanner, y’all are on security tonight.” Since the new clubhouse was built, Styx had ordered us to take shifts watching out for any fucker who might attack. There had been nothing but silence since the fucking fire. Radio fucking silence. I fucking hated it. Styx hated it. Shit, we all hated it. Styx scanned the table. “Smiler?”