Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
I couldn’t resist stepping out of the way, though when she tried clinging to me, it felt too much like cheating. If this isn’t some Hollywood bullshit, I don’t know what is. I’m married to her, but it feels like I would be cheating on Elena by letting her get too close. Just the bare touch of her hand on my arm felt like a violation. Like she, the woman I’d so foolishly married, had no right, whereas my ex did.
I saw the hurt look she gave me when I pulled away and stepped out of reach and had to turn my face away so that she didn’t see the scorn in my eyes. When I was high on whatever it was that she’d been feeding me, I’d have apologized and tried to ease the sting of guilt. Now I feel like a complete fool for every time I ever regretted not loving her. Every time I felt guilty because she was trying so hard.
Both she and Matt, my so-called spiritual advisor, had had me pretty fooled into believing that they gave a damn about my soul, about saving me from myself and the path of destruction I’d been headed down. Now I know they were both full of shit and had been using me, both of them, along with Mary, Scott, and whoever else was involved in this ugliness, to serve their own selfish purposes.
Thinking about that shit right now wasn’t the best thing. This was one of the main things Saunders and his men had warned me about, but it was harder than I thought it would be. Each time I looked at her, I was reminded of how much I’d lost and her part in deceiving me, and I’m not gonna lie, I want to break her neck. Then I want to go find the others involved and do the same or worse to them,
Not because of what they’d done to me but what they’d put my Elena through. Five years she’d endured this hell for five years, the first three or so doing and saying nothing. That hurt more than anything else, the fact that they’d stolen her voice. The fact that I’d hurt her so deeply that she’d gone into hiding. But now I’m supposed to be close to this one and not say a damn thing, and it’s killing me inside, and I’ve only been here less than ten minutes.
I damn near bit holes in my tongue to keep from lashing out at her, but it only took the reminder that I was enduring this for Elena’s sake to keep my mouth shut. A reminder of all that I owed her, not them, but me. I was the one she trusted, the one she loved, and no matter what the rest of them had done, I was the one who owed the greatest debt.
So, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to face the fire of my own making. At least I didn’t have to put on too much of an act since she already knew I didn’t like her even when high, but even breathing in the same air space as her was pushing it a bit for me. If I disliked her before, knowing what I know now after talking to Saunders and his men, added to the things that I’ve remembered on my own, has multiplied my hatred tenfold.
Before, I hated her for not being the one I wanted. And when I couldn’t remember clearly how we came to be, I hated her all the more. I hated not knowing why I’d chosen her, why she was the one by my side, and I guess some part of me always suspected that there was something off about the whole situation.
Even at my highest, when I could barely remember my own name or what day it was, I never forgot what I felt for Elena. And even as jaded as I was and still am, I knew that the love I had for Elena was the only pure thing in my life. I knew that I would’ve done anything in my limited power to hold onto her and what we had because it was my life; she was my life.
Once I realized that she’d used my name to bully Elena online, whatever pity I felt for her over the fact that she’d been used by her dad and Mary, along with the church, pretty much disappeared. I didn’t want to think it of her, maybe because she’d shown me a different face, but I’m convinced that she was as much to blame as they were.
Had it not been for her obsession with me, none of this would’ve happened. I’d probably be married to the woman of my heart by now, with a kid on the way. Instead, I find myself saddled with the likes of her while my woman is out there being dated by assholes, none of whom are worthy to walk in her shadow.