Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
All that was missing was this, him. He’s that other part of me, the part that my soul needed to see the light in the dark tunnel. I realized as we stood there in silence with his arms wrapped around me protectively the way he once did that I would never be over him.
And then I broke. I broke because I shouldn’t want this. I broke because I felt so weak, and I hated that part of me that still longed for this. I hated my mind and my body for wanting this, for still wanting him. I screamed and screamed until my throat was raw, and still, he didn’t let me go.
He held on even tighter, and I felt his body shake as if he, too, was crying, and I felt my own tears coursing down my cheeks as the pain became overbearing.
“Shh, Elena, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” No arms, no words of comfort, had ever felt this good. But I couldn’t let this go on. I couldn’t let him trample what was left of me into the mud.
I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done; I pulled myself away from him and wiped my face dry, still keeping my back turned. “I can’t, Ryder. I just can’t, please.” I’m not sure what I was begging for, but I knew I couldn’t hold out much longer.
“I’m not leaving you; I can’t.” I closed my eyes as those words washed over me. Words that were five years too late.
Chapter 41
*Ryder*
How the hell was I going to explain everything to her? Where the hell do I start? I felt gutted and raw. There was so much pain inside that I could hardly breathe. How the hell could I tell her everything that I’d learned in the last couple of months? And how will I bear this pain? The pain of what my words might do to her.
Does it really matter? My pain was nothing compared to the hell I just heard in her voice, and though I’m not conceited enough to hold myself responsible for all of her pain, I knew at least ninety-five percent of it was because of me. Now I’m here for the first time in five years to add even more pain to her load.
I hated myself more at that moment as I stood there staring at the back of her head because she refused to turn around and face me. I could force her; I know I could. I’ve done it before, forced her to see things my way or to do any number of things that, when I look back, I feel like the worst kind of human being for doing to her.
If I were her, I wouldn’t want to see me either, but even knowing that I can’t let go. I don’t want to let go, but maybe it’s what’s best for her. Maybe she was right, and I’d done more than enough to her for one lifetime. I can’t bear to see her hurting, let alone being the cause of so much pain.
I realized how selfish I’ve always been where she was concerned. How much I took her for granted, and the realization was daunting. I felt like a monster, like the worst kind of man there was. I’d done something to her that no one should ever have to go through.
I heard Zak and Tyler’s voices in my head, and some of what they were trying to explain became clear. I couldn’t see it then; I didn’t know that I had it in me to be as strong as they wanted me to be. To be able to even think of letting her go if that’s what she needed to be happy. And even though the thought of it was killing me inside, I knew that I loved her enough to want what was best for her, but fuck was it hard.
And then it hit me. I’d finally grown up. Somehow in the last few weeks, I’d become someone else. I was becoming the man she’d always wanted me to be. A man with compassion and empathy, a man who could love someone other than himself. What a time to come to that conclusion. Still, I couldn’t leave without telling her what I came here to say.
“Like I said, we need to talk; it’s serious, Elena.”
“I’m not in the mood to listen to any more of your lies. I trusted you once, but that will never happen again, so if that’s what you’re expecting, you’re wasting your breath.” She moved even further away from me, and I felt it in my gut, like the twist of a knife.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do with my time; please see your way out. And you owe me a door.”