Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 74022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 370(@200wpm)___ 296(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 370(@200wpm)___ 296(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Cassie nods, her eyes sympathetic. “Look, it’s a shitty situation to be in. I agree. But my brother, he unfortunately has a big heart, and that means he’s going to struggle to stop helping either one of you. The fact that he feels responsible for what happened to Maverick’s ex-partner doesn’t help. He needs to feel like he’s done everything he can for those he cares about, because he’s terrified of something going wrong and having to live with more guilt.”
God damn.
I never, not for a second, considered that’s why he’s going out of his way to help us both, instead of passing us over to someone else and distracting himself until he gets over it.
Because he cares for us.
And because he’s afraid if he doesn’t take care of us, and something happens, it’ll be on him.
I’m such a damned idiot.
A foolish idiot.
And I need to find him and apologize.
I exhale. “I’m an idiot. I didn’t think of that.”
Cassie shakes her head with a smile. “You’re not an idiot, I’m just trying to help you understand why Boston does the things he does. He’s selfless, even though he doesn’t like to show it.”
I nod. “I just hate that I’m unable to stop these feelings from arising. The moment he said he was at Chantelle’s house, I just felt so jealous, and insecure, and pathetic. It’s like, I know she’s better than me and I’m not good enough, and I keep fearing that he’ll pick her, and I’ll be left hurt.”
Cassie studies me for a moment. “Without sounding rude, and believe me I’m not trying to be offensive here, but do you think maybe your feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and not being enough stem back to the fact that your husband is with someone you deem better than you, and that hurts?”
Her words hit me like a blow to the chest, mostly because she’s right, and also partially because I want to instantly deny them, because they ring so true. I want to jump on the defense and come up with something, anything, to tell her she’s wrong and that isn’t what’s happening at all.
But it is part of it.
Ashton moving on, it hurt my self-esteem. The way they both spoke to me after, hurt my self-esteem. Then meeting Boston and having Chantelle come along, so beautiful and perfect, and being caught in a strange friendship, attraction, triangle, hurt my self-esteem. And because of all those things, I probably do feel all of this a whole lot heavier than I should. But I can’t help it. I’m so damned confused.
“You’re probably right,” I say in a soft voice. “I am so terrified he is going to pick Chantelle, because she’s everything I’m not.”
“But it isn’t a choice, Penny,” Cassie says carefully. “He’s been open with you both, he’s trying to keep his distance as much as he can, and he’s conflicted, but he’s been honest with you. It’s not as if he’s dating the both of you and making you wait for him to decide. So, while it sucks, and it hurts, and he may end up not being able to fight his feelings for one of you, it isn’t a choice. Not for him. And if, for some reason, he did end up finding himself unable to stay away from Chantelle and wanted to make it work with her, it has absolutely nothing to do with you, your looks, or your personality. People can’t help the way they feel. He’s not a player. He adores you. Your fears are coming from something far bigger than him.”
Damn.
“Has anyone ever told you that you should become a therapist?” I say to her, and she laughs.
“I’m actually thinking of it, I’m fascinated by the human mind.”
“Well, when you do, make sure to look me up. No doubt I’ll need it. But you’re right, I know Boston isn’t trying to hurt anyone, or play anyone, and if he chooses to be with Chantelle, then it isn’t because I’m not good enough, but that doesn’t stop the stupid and irrational feelings that arise when I think of it, even though I know they’re silly.”
Cassie nods. “They’re not silly, but they aren’t fact. I got told once, insecurity is not because of the person you’re with, but because of yourself. It is inner fear, and inner doubt. You’re worth it, Penelope. If my brother doesn’t decide to do anything with that, I promise you, there is someone out there who will.”
I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse, but it is the truth and I respect the hell out of Cassie for always delivering it straight forward.
“You’re my voice of reason.” I smile at her. “Want to go out today? I could use a break?”
She grins. “Oh, hell yes.”
This girl.
I’d be lost without her.