Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 146392 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 146392 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
She could easily have been Kala’s friend and soaked herself in Kala’s dark view of the world. She could have been Kala’s operational wingman, sitting in the shadows and pursuing directives with no thought beyond getting the job done. It would have been easy. Simple.
Kala had given her confidence, but it had been TJ who dragged her out of her head and convinced her life wasn’t life without joy and fun and yes, even heartache.
Why was she holding back? Why was she reverting to a her that hadn’t existed in years? The one who shut down so she didn’t have to listen to criticism, the one who walked a tightrope so she tried not to feel anything or need anyone.
“Mom, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Her mom sniffled and moved over, wrapping her arm around Lou. “Oh, baby, you’re not supposed to. Not about something like this. Something like this, you follow your instincts. You let yourself feel everything because this is important. Do you know why I love TJ?”
It was Lou’s turn to sniffle since she found herself on the verge of tears. “It sounds like you hate him.”
“Never,” her mom vowed. “I might have wished you weren’t so hurt, but I do know how he’s been a friend to you over the years. You and your dad concentrated on what he did wrong, but I was able to sit back and consider the situation. Do you know what it takes for a twelve-year-old boy to pick the weird new girl over his friends?”
Lou nodded.
“I loved that kid when I overheard him telling a guy from his baseball team that if you weren’t welcome at his party, then he wasn’t coming either,” her mom continued. “I think he wanted to go but he came home with us that night and helped your dad with the dogs and watched TV with you until his parents picked him up. I know he worries he’s not smart enough for you, but there are different levels of intelligence.”
“What do you mean? Is this the whole he didn’t want to mess up my college career thing? We’ve had this discussion.” She’d had it over and over again. Was she supposed to reward the man for rejecting her so she could get an education? Like she would have passed it up.
Her mom seemed to consider how to proceed. “But have you really thought about it? Have you thought about it from his point of view? Would you have followed him if he’d asked you to?”
She snorted at the thought. “I had a full ride to MIT, Mom. No, I wasn’t going to follow TJ and be a good military wife. But we could have tried. We could have seen if it could work long distance, or he could have changed his plans since he should have gone to college. Someone we know could have gotten him into a college close to me. His family has crazy connections.”
“Maybe, but could they make him comfortable in it?” Her mom sat back. “I want you to think about what you’ve said because you’ve used the pronoun you an awful lot.”
She was confused. “What was I supposed to do? You think I should have followed him?”
“No. I think you have to consider the fact that he did what he thought was best for you and for him at the time. And he did it at the age of eighteen. He was a boy who you would have happily slept with who decided that if he couldn’t be all in, he would wait to pursue a physical relationship with you. I know that was frustrating at the time, but it showed me he could put your best interests in front of his own wants,” her mom explained.
She was ignoring a few salient facts. “And after? Mom, a few weeks ago I tried to kiss him and he wouldn’t. Why the hell should I believe that he’s changed?”
Her mom blushed. “Well, the video alone proves that he’s changed. I would say the whole actually sleeping together is a sign of change.”
Lou shook her head, a familiar stubbornness invading her veins. “He got scared and he held on to me like a teddy bear. That’s what he does. When he needs something, he comes to me.”
Her mom sat back, a skeptical look on her face. “Really? What has he ever asked you to do for him?”
The question stopped Lou in her tracks. “I’ve done a lot for him.”
“I know you’ve cooked meals for him and been his plus one to things he didn’t want to go to alone, but what have you sacrificed for him?”
“Uhm, my youth.” She’d pretty much wasted her twenties mooning over the guy.
“No, you dated,” her mom argued. “You chose to stay in the friendship with TJ because you got something out of it. What worries me is that your friends have the wrong idea about that relationship. I think your friends believe TJ’s used you over the years, and you’ve played a part in that. You talk about him stringing you along. How did he do that? When he skipped the end of the summer blowout the kids were having to drive you up to Massachusetts so you would have your car? When he used his only leave nine months later to drive you back home?”