Total pages in book: 247
Estimated words: 234281 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1171(@200wpm)___ 937(@250wpm)___ 781(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 234281 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1171(@200wpm)___ 937(@250wpm)___ 781(@300wpm)
Her palms were cold and clammy as she reached for her iPad and connected it to the projector via Bluetooth. Clearing her throat, she began her presentation, and when it was over and the lights went back on, she took one look at her audience and knew.
I was right.
This was a big mistake.
The questions came at her all at once, their myriad of expressions ranging from perplexity to outright dissatisfaction.
"So do I have this correctly," the retired priest said heavily. "Are you insinuating that Catholics who commit suicide are selfish?"
"No, Father, that's n-not the case at all." So aghast was Diana she found herself stammering. "All I'm saying that they need to be more selfless—-"
"In other words, selfish," the therapist pointed out.
She quickly shook her head in protest. "No, I promise, that's truly not what I meant. All I'm saying is that those suffering from depression be made to see that if they die, they might as well have killed the people depending on them."
"What about the people who have no one in their lives?" one of the social workers quizzed. "Because not everyone's lucky to have people to love."
"Then it is the Church as a whole that should help them find someone or something to care for—-"
A scoffing sound from the other social worker cut her off. "That's it? That's your answer? For high-suicide-risk individuals to look for leeches to hang on to them? That it's better to have people suck them dry as long as it keeps them alive?" The other woman's tone bordered on disgust, and even though Diana knew better than to take things personally, she couldn't help it, and her eyes started to sting.
Unfortunately, this only seemed to rile up the woman even more. "Oh, for God's sake!"
"Give the child a chance to form her thoughts and defend her beliefs, Luisa," the Carmelite nun murmured. Turning to Diana, the soft-spoken nun gave her an encouraging smile, saying, "Go on, Ms. Leventis."
"The reason why I want it to be the Church to help individuals struggling with depression find something or someone to care about is because it's the Church. It would make no sense for the Church to give us someone unworthy to care for."
"That's a very risky suggestion," Mr. Bakker said quietly, "and I say that both as a trained psychologist and a Catholic. The Pope may be made infallible by the grace of God, but other members of the church aren't so lucky. There's every possibility 'mismatches' could occur, and if that happens, the person they're supposed to care about becomes another reason for them to kill themselves."
Diana could feel herself paling. She had never...oh God, she hadn't even thought of that angle, and when she saw the professor's tight-lipped gaze, she suddenly knew. Even without him telling her, she knew - this was probably one of the issues he had taken pains to bring up in the emails he had sent to her. Emails that she had moved to trash without reading a single one of them.
Luisa was right, Diana thought numbly.
I am being a kid about this.
And the people she wanted to help, the people who were supposed to be her purpose - they deserved better.
The professor asked her to stay behind as soon as Telemann began playing in the background and the rest of the panelists started to rise.
"Yes, sir." Diana's tone was subdued.
Nouveaux Quatuors Parisiens (No. 4 in B Minor) continued to play. It was one of her favorites, but for once, its serene melody failed to soothe her. It was like reliving one of those horrid blame sessions she used to suffer daily under her mother, and Esther would itemize every little mistake in the most disparaging fashion.
In those days, she had been able to bear her mother's rebukes because she had known she didn't deserve them.
This time was different. This time, she was at fault. This time, she had truly failed.
And when the professor finally gestured for her to come forward, what hurt even more was when he only said, "Do better next time."
She swallowed hard. "You can shout at me. I was stupid."
"You were."
"I shouldn't have ignored your emails. I...I know that now."
"Good."
"Whatever you have to say, I can take it." So please, please, please be cruel. Because it was this quiet tone of his that she couldn't bear. It made her think of so many stupid things, and she couldn't risk that. She just couldn't.
"So if you want to shout at me, just do it. I don't deserve—-"
"No, Ms. Leventis." The professor's tone was stiff. "It's not about what you do or don't deserve."
Finally, Diana thought in relief. He's going to be lash out. Hurt me. And most of all, he's going to remind me just how wrong I was about him all this time.
But that was not the case at all.