Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 93301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 467(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 311(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93301 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 467(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 311(@300wpm)
“Because she always supported my dream. She was there for us growing up.”
“Kelly. You’re not a bad person for having a critical opinion about your mother.”
“And I’ve got no room to talk. I took Duke back a bunch of times when I knew he wasn’t faithful.”
Xander glanced at me. “Is this about your dad?”
“Yes. He’s . . . I’m trying to think of the word I want to use here. Unreliable. He lets her down a lot. He lets us all down a lot.”
Taking my hand in his, Xander stroked the back of it with his thumb. “Talk to me. If you want.”
I took a deep breath. “He has a drinking problem. And a gambling problem. But he’s also handsome and charming and funny and affectionate. He started leaving us for long periods of time when I was about six, but he’d always come back, full of apologies. My mom took him back every time.”
“Wasn’t she mad?”
“Oh, she was. And she’d freeze him out a little bit at first. But somehow, he’d charm his way back into her good graces.”
“And yours too?”
“Sure. I was always just so happy that he’d come back, because I thought for sure it was my fault that he’d left in the first place.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know for sure. I just always thought, if I was better, if I was perfect, if I was famous, he’d come back for good and never leave.”
He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “It wasn’t true.”
“I know that now.” My throat felt tight. “I’ve gone to therapy and all that. I’ve tried hard to work through it. But certain things linger, you know?”
“I know.”
“Even now that I have some fame, he still comes and goes. Only difference is, he wants money.”
“Do you give it to him?”
“I feel obligated,” I said. “I don’t want to, but he’s my father. He taught me to play guitar. He’s why I love music so much. And he grew up with a terrible, angry father who hit him.”
“That’s fucking horrible. But it doesn’t mean you have to support him if he keeps disappointing you.”
“I know.” I closed my eyes. “Kevin tells me this all the time. I just find it really hard to stand up to him.”
“What would you say to him if you could?”
“God.” I shuddered.
“Come on. Say the words to me. He’s not here.”
“I guess I’d tell him how much it hurt when he left us. How much it still hurts when he leaves again. I’d say that every single time he walks out the door, I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. And how no little girl should have to live that way, wondering if her dad loves her enough to come back.”
Xander was silent, like he knew there was more.
“And if he apologizes for not being the perfect dad, I’d say I was never looking for perfection. Just a dad. And when he says, ‘I did the best I could,’ I’d say, ‘no, you didn’t, Daddy. I love you, but no, you didn’t.’”
“See?” He squeezed my hand. “You can do it. You can say the words.”
“To you. Not to him.”
“Maybe next time you have the chance, you’ll do it. You’ve got the words in your head now.”
“Thanks.” I wondered if I’d ever have the guts to speak my mind to my dad that way. Xander was so lucky. His family was so great. “So did your brothers ask about us after we danced?”
“A little.” He shrugged. “Mostly they just gave me shit about something I said a couple months ago.”
“About me?”
“About looking for a wife.”
“What?” My jaw dropped. “You’re looking for a wife?”
“No! I mean, not actually. Not literally. I just feel like I’m at the age where if you’re gonna do the whole white-picket-fence thing, you might as well get to it.”
“Well, sure,” I teased. “I mean, you’re gonna need energy for those three rowdy boys.”
“Exactly. I can’t be old man dad. I need to be young, cool dad.”
“I can see it very clearly. You are the cool, bar-owning dad with the tattoos and the swim records that still stand.”
“That’s fucking right they do.”
I laughed. “The girls had all kinds of questions for me in the bathroom.”
“I bet.”
“Apparently, it’s obvious you are no longer sleeping on the couch.”
“Where I sleep is none of their business,” he harrumphed.
“Oh, don’t get grumpy about it. They were happy. They said nice things.”
“Oh yeah? Like what?”
“Your sister says you’re a good guy and I can trust you. She also said she had the best big brothers ever. It was really sweet. And Veronica said she’d never seen you with hearts in your eyes.”
“I do not have fucking hearts in my eyes.”
I laughed. “I think she just meant, she could tell that you like me.”
He looked at me sideways. “Yeah, you’re okay.”
“So it’s true?” My ridiculous heart was going pitter-patter like he’d just passed back the note with the YES box checked. “You like me?”