Total pages in book: 112
Estimated words: 107687 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 107687 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 538(@200wpm)___ 431(@250wpm)___ 359(@300wpm)
I chance a look at Angela, and as I assumed, she’s looking back at me with nothing but patience in her kind eyes. Within seconds, I word-vomit all over her. “I escaped a cult five years ago, where I was beaten, bitten, and forced to give oral sex to any man who wanted to court me.” Her face doesn’t change like I figured it would. Her eyes stay on mine as I breathe out shakily. “I was taken advantage of by over twenty men—older men, men who should have known better. There was so much that happened, so much abuse. And eventually, I couldn’t take it, so I left. Thankfully, my sisters were able to get out too.”
Angela looks away, and I can tell she is uncomfortable. Hell, I am uncomfortable.
“Trust me when I say I have trauma and some pretty hefty scars, but I’ve been in therapy since I left. Five years, I went. I still practice everything they told me to do, and I’ve done so well. Or at least, I thought I had. Though, I just went out with my sisters, and I learned they’re living their best lives. But I’m just living. I truly thought I was good. I thought I was ready for the real world, but then I met this guy, and soon, all the insecurities from before are coming back to haunt me.”
“That’s understandable, Austen. You know that, right?”
I nod. “I do, and I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m less than. I hate thinking that I’m not able to live, when I fucking left!” I yell, the tears streaming down my face. “I fucking left, I fought for myself, and now I’m letting them ruin something that could bring me happiness.”
I don’t use the f-word often, but even I can’t refrain at this moment. My thoughts are in abundance in my head, and soon…soon, I can’t stop. “But then I wonder if I’m using my past as an excuse. Yes, the cult did some really messed-up stuff to me, but my sisters experienced the same and they’re living. Am I scared of feeling something? Because this guy can look at me and break me with a look. I swear I feel his gaze all over me all the time, and I feel so good. But then I’m like, surely he isn’t looking at me. Could it be because I’m scared of the rejection when he realizes I’m so pathetically inexperienced? Or is it really just fear that he’ll think I’m a fucking freak from living in a cult for most of my life?” I say, my voice breaking with a sob. “Am I still so messed up that I can’t find happiness? I don’t know. I really don’t. The only thing I do know is he scares me. He really scares me.”
A sob rips out of me, and I cover my face as I shake from it. Angela doesn’t cuddle me or comfort me—thankfully, because I’d probably lose it. Instead, I feel her presence beside me, and when I open my eyes, she’s handing me a tissue. Through my tear-blurred gaze, I whisper, “I’ve never even kissed a guy, and I want so desperately to kiss him. But how stupid will he think I am when I tell him that? Will he laugh at me?”
She moves then, her hand coming to the back of my bicep, stroking it. “Can I ask you a question?” I nod, and she smiles, her eyes searching mine. “You’ve been with very evil men, correct?” I only nod, and so does she. “So, don’t you feel you’re a good judge of character?”
My breath catches as I gaze into her eyes. “I am, which scares me even more, because at least with the evil men, I knew their intentions. With him, I don’t.”
Emotion moves across Angela’s face, and a moment passes between us. “Giving yourself to someone is hard, more so when you’re forced to do so. From what I’ve gathered, you have this chance to discover yourself and to do it for you.”
She’s right. “I do.”
“See? You have the power. So what do you want to do with it?”
His eyes appear, his dimples coming next, before that easy smirk slides into view for me. My heart skips a beat, every butterfly known to man comes alive in my stomach, and my insides clench.
“I want to live.”
Her eyes are full of such pride, and I don’t understand why. She doesn’t know me like that, but she supports me. With a grin, she says, “Then do just that—your way.”
twenty
Dimitri
My body is still vibrating, and I want to step between Shelli and Austen to protect her. To not allow Shelli to make her feel bad or even think badly of Austen.
“I don’t feel this is a conversation for me to be a part of,” Austen says, her voice so shaky. Her voice sounds like how I feel. “Plus, I have a session today.”