Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
“Safe.”
That last word is a perfect summary of his pain, and it’s poison. He thinks I’m not safe now – because I’m with him?
The realization makes me sick to the guts. “Y-Yuki...” So many words are clogging my throat, but it’s only his name I seem capable of uttering, and I have to swallow several times just to be barely coherent. “It’s n-not like that. N-never.” I look at him helplessly, and suddenly all I can say—-
All I want to say—-
All I should have said from the very start—-
“I love you,” I choke out.
An appalling silence screams between us, urging me to take the words back, but I can’t. I won’t. Not ever again.
“I s-still love you—-”
Yuki lets out a hollow laugh, and my words falter. “Why can’t you see it?” The cruelty, the harshness – it’s all gone from Yuki’s voice now, just when I realize I’m better off with them. Anything is better than this tone of a beaten-up god.
“Your love is exactly the problem here.”
I don’t say a word. I can’t. I’m terrified I’m going to be even weaker than before if I do.
“I will never want your love again.”
The words shred me into ribbons, but it’s the look on his face that sends more tears rushing down my cheeks.
“Goddammit.”
Every drop is agonizingly scalding, every drop making me pay for being so selfish—-
“Don’t do this again. Please.” The defeat in his tone makes me cry harder. “Please just forget you saw me. Please just fucking go.”
His words take everything out of me, and I wrap my arms around myself, hoping it would be enough.
But it’s not.
I want to leave him, if only for his sake, but I don’t know if I can.
I remember the words he had whispered when he had rescued me.
Breathe for me.
I remember the words that his heart had whispered with it—-
I love you.
And it’s those words that I’m seeing on his face.
It’s a lovely sight, the loveliest sight, but it also makes me weep because in those eyes I also see that it’s not enough. It’s not right. He loves me, and I love him, but how can I keep loving him if it’s what’s making him fall apart?
“Yuki.” I can’t seem to stop saying his name now. “I just—-”
“No. It’s your turn to listen now.” His voice is polite. It’s classic Yuki building walls around him. I’ve seen him do it countless times when Sascha talks to him the way a mother shouldn’t ever talk to her son. And now he’s doing it with me because...I guess...I’m hurting him the way Sascha did.
“If you came here to hear me confirm what you learned about Elizabeth and me then – yes. You’re right. I did set everything up just to make you leave me.” His smile doesn’t reach his eyes, and it’s another classic. It’s Yuki wearing a mask, not wanting people to see the real him. And I guess now...I’m one of those people, too.
“Perhaps like all ex-girlfriends, you also want to know if you have a reason to be ever jealous of her? And to answer that, it’s no. Actually, it’s never. You never had any reason to be jealous of anyone because I only saw you. And when I planned for you to walk in on us—-”
“Please stop.” I can’t bear the way he’s talking, but when I try to cover my ears, he stalks towards me and wrenches my arms back to my sides.
“Listen until the end,” Yuki snarls. “This is what you came for, isn’t it?”
I shake my head wildly. “No. It’s not—-”
He cuts me off, saying blandly, “Now where was I? Ah, that night with Elizabeth, I had to get myself drunk just to kiss her.”
“Please—-” Does he think I don’t see how every word is hurting him more than me?
“And when you left, I threw up like a fucking girl because I couldn’t bear the taste of another woman’s pussy on my mouth—-”
“STOP IT!”
“Why should I?” This time, he looks at me with eyes that no longer even try to hide anything, and in it, all I see is emptiness. “Isn’t this what you wanted to hear? That it was all a fucking setup? So why won’t you want to listen—-”
“Because it’s hurting you,” I choke out. Every word he spoke was like a knife he used to stab his own heart. He had loved me, and it was because he had loved me that he had forced himself to bear another woman’s touch. He had loved me so, so much that he had given me the only reason that could make me leave, even if it meant destroying his soul.
He had loved me—-
“You’re doing it again.” Yuki’s words are made threadbare by pain, and I suck my breath. “I told you about how I ate another woman’s pussy and here you are, concerned about what it’s making me feel.”