Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 84002 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84002 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 420(@200wpm)___ 336(@250wpm)___ 280(@300wpm)
Shane nodded. But how did he admit that he wasn’t only scared to leave because his mom might need him, but because he had insecurities himself?
“Thank you.”
He drove home with a heavy weight in his chest. He tossed a frozen pizza in the oven after his shower.
Shane ate alone and then sat on the deck with a beer in his hand and eyed his makeshift studio.
He hadn’t been inside since Van left. Why the fuck didn’t he go inside?
He startled when his phone rang. He plucked it from his pocket, expecting it to be Van but was surprised when he saw it was his mom. It was her game night and they didn’t usually leave that early.
His heart dropped to the wood at his feet and he fumbled to answer. “What’s wrong?”
“I’m coming over.”
“Huh?” he asked.
“I’m coming over,” his mom said. “I just wanted you to know. I don’t want you to come and get me. I just want you to know.”
“Okay,” he replied apprehensively. “I’m on the back deck. I’ll wait for you here.”
He didn’t argue with her or ask her why. If she wanted to come out, Shane always supported that. He yearned for it. He just wanted to know she was safe while doing so.
It was eight and the sky wasn’t dark yet.
His leg bounced as he waited. He took a drink of his beer and waited some more.
It took fifteen minutes before he heard feet on the stairs. Fifteen minutes for him to breathe. Hers came out in sharp, short pants. She held her chest. Her hands shook.
Shane pushed to his feet then but she shook her head. “I have it, Shaney. I’m fine.”
He nodded and waited. She slowly made her way to the chair beside him and sat down. Counted. Fought to steady her breathing.
“I wish it wasn’t so hard. Why is it so hard?” she asked.
He rubbed her back. “Hey. You did good. Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m damn proud of you.”
“I didn’t want it to win. Tonight, I didn’t want my mental illness to win.”
“It didn’t,” Shane replied.
“You aren’t winning either,” she countered.
Shane frowned, watched her and waited. “You miss him.”
He shook her off. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. I’ve been watching you for six weeks now. You want to be fine. You’re trying to be fine, but you’re not. You miss him and you want to see him and you should.”
He felt as though he was getting it from all sides. First Ryan and now his mom. “I can’t just drop everything and go to Los Angeles. I have a shop to run.”
“And me. That’s your real worry, isn’t it?”
He sighed. “What does it matter what my worry is? Going to visit him won’t change a damn thing. Yeah, it will be a fun weekend but it won’t change our circumstances. He lives there and I live here.”
They were prolonging the inevitable even by playing around with the long-distance thing.
“It’s a start, Shane. I can’t do this.” She shook her head. “I can’t be the reason you’re alone. I’ve been a burden on you for far too long and it’s not right. It’s not fair. There are nurses who can come to me. Caregivers—”
“No,” he cut her off. “You don’t do well with strangers. You don’t need random people coming into your home.”
“You don’t get to tell me what I need. I’ve already made arrangements. And I talked to the ladies in my knitting club and from my game night. They’re my friends and they’ll help. You’re just like me, ya know? I blame myself. I never wanted to ask for help the same way you don’t, only I leaned on you while ignoring other options. It wasn’t right and I’m sorry, Shane.”
Tears leaked down her face and her breathing started to get rapid again but he watched her close her eyes. Watched her fight it. Sometimes she beat the panic, others she didn’t.
“I’m your son,” he told her.
“That’s right. My son. Not my caregiver.”
“What if you need me?” he asked, his voice cracking. He’d spent his life being there for her. A night in Portland was different from multiple nights in Southern California.
“I’ll survive, because I love you and it’s time we started thinking more about what you need.”
They sat together quietly then. Shane replayed her words over and over again. They began to blend with Van’s, with his pleas for Shane to come see him.
What if he went, and he loved it so much he didn’t want to come home?
What if he went, and realized freedom wasn’t what he expected it to be?
Those two fears warred with him, and Shane didn’t know which he was more afraid of.
A few moments later, his mom stood and placed a shaking hand on his shoulder. “Go see him, Shaney. My mental illness keeps me from experiencing life. I won’t let it do the same for you. Not anymore.” She leaned down and kissed his forehead. “I’ll call you when I get home. I want to get back before it gets dark.”