Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 138287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 691(@200wpm)___ 553(@250wpm)___ 461(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 138287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 691(@200wpm)___ 553(@250wpm)___ 461(@300wpm)
Suddenly, the air in the room changed, stilled.
Connor’s hands fell from his face. “Wait. What?” He looked absolutely perplexed. “You think—” His brow furrowed. “You think I’m embarrassed of you?” His eyes widened and he struggled with the words. “I don’t understand. How? Why?”
We looked at each other a moment and both of us seemed to be looking for something in the other’s features.
Huh? “You’re not embarrassed?” I was stumped.
He took in a deep breath, his face solemn, “Oh, I am. But not of you.” His fingers curled around my own, squeezing. “Never of you.”
“I don’t understand,” I ended on a shrug because, what?
Connor began to nod and I could tell from the way his Adam’s apple bobbed, whatever he was about to say was hard for him,. “Baby, I have never claimed to be anything I’m not. I’ve always been a selfish person, thinking about myself before anyone else and doing what Clash wants, because Clash is a fucking rockstar and I wanted to live the rockstar life.”
My heart sank.
“I never planned on… you.”
My chest tightened. The fear I felt then was palpable.
I was losing Connor. And still, I said nothing.
“You tell everyone that I taught you about life but I still don’t think you know what you taught me.” His words made me pause. “The first time I turned up at your hotel room was out of sheer curiosity. I’ll admit it. I wanted to push your buttons.” Connor’s lip twitched. “I was shocked as shit when you pushed right back.
“It made me feel something that I never felt before. You were addictive so I kept coming back. I didn’t want to and promised myself I’d stop but always found myself at your door. I hoped that one day you’d tell me you couldn’t let me in and that would be it but you didn’t. Even when I was a total shit, you kept letting me in. I never felt accepted like that. Until you.”
I didn’t know how to feel. All I could do was listen.
“Being around you was fun. We laughed, we talked, we went on adventures together. I never knew what you were going to say or what you were going to do. You called me out on my bullshit. You fell in love with me and I trusted myself to let you go. But I couldn’t do it. I knew the tour would end and we’d have to move on but the thought of losing you made me crazy. So, I had a bonehead plan to force you to step back. One last adventure together. I would take you to the most tasteless and cheap chapel I could find in Vegas and make you realize that life with me wasn’t what you wanted.
“I saw the exact moment it hit you. The exact second you understood what was happening. And you didn’t even hesitate. You had more confidence in me, at my worst, than I had in myself my entire life. You chose me. Loved me unconditionally. And I didn’t know how much I needed that from you until you gave it to me.”
I simply nodded because I did love him, absolutely.
“It was a hard week after that. I felt a lot of guilt. I felt like I took advantage of you. I struggled with my mental health and tried to wean myself off of you. I made a decision and wrote that stupid fucking song in a single night. Convinced myself it had to be done though. Because I loved you so much that I needed to save you from yourself. I needed to force you away, so you could see how much better life was without me. I knew with enough time you would see that I wasn’t worth shit. And maybe one day, you’d thank me for it. I wanted you to feel abandoned. I wanted you to hurt so much that you’d hate me. I needed you to hate me as much as I hated myself. Maybe then you’d stay gone.
“I punished myself with drugs. I didn’t want to live without you. I wanted to die. But you came to my rescue over and over again. You continued to love me and support me and show me that you weren’t going anywhere. I still don’t feel secure in this relationship. I am so scared that you’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not worth the trouble because that’s the way I feel about myself.”
My heart stuttered. The more he spoke, the more he revealed parts of himself still unknown to me.
I’d never seen Connor as ashamed of himself as when he revealed, “You taught me to man up, take responsibility for my actions. You taught me that love wasn’t a bad or scary thing. You taught me how to believe in somebody. To love somebody. The only embarrassing thing about this situation is to have it pointed out just how badly I treated you. That woman had a timeline, an actual legit timeline of all the fucked-up things I did to you. That is embarrassing, baby. And I’m sorry.” He let out a shaky breath. “So fucking sorry.”