Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
“Lincoln, I need you to close your eyes for me, okay?” I knew that voice too. It haunted my dreams but in the best way. Just like the strong fingers that twined with mine. “Can you do that for me, please?”
I closed my eyes without hesitation and handed myself over to Theo completely.
“Can you try holding your breath for me?”
I wanted to tell him that I couldn’t hold my breath because I couldn’t fucking breathe, but when I felt soft lips graze my skin as the words “You can do this, sweetheart, I’m right here” were spoken into my ear, I held my breath.
It felt like a thousand years before Theo told me to breathe out. I thought I heard him counting but I wasn’t sure because it seemed like just seconds before he was telling me to hold my breath again. This time when I tried to pull in some oxygen to actually hold in my lungs, it didn’t hurt as much. I let out that meager breath when I was told and then started the process all over again.
By the time it was over and I no longer felt like I was suffocating, my mind began to take in my surroundings. Theo was pressed against my right side. His left arm was crossed over my right one and he was squeezing my fingers hard. His hand was rubbing circles into my denim-clad thigh.
“Better?” Theo asked.
I nodded. “Thank you,” I said. Shame coursed through me at my show of weakness. I was supposed to be there to support him. “I’ve seen panic attacks hundreds of times but that’s the first one I’ve ever had myself.”
“I’ve had hundreds of them but that’s the first time I’ve seen someone else have them,” he returned.
I looked at him and saw that he was smiling at me.
My Theo was smiling at me.
It was brief but it was enough. He continued to hold my hand and lean against me. I was afraid to speak for fear of ruining whatever was happening between us.
“The dog just showed up. I didn’t even notice him at first. When I did, I guess… I guess I just didn’t care,” Theo admitted. “Next thing I know, he’s got his head in my lap. Maybe he thought I had food or something.”
“He came to you because he instinctively knew you wouldn’t hurt him. That he could trust you. I think he needed you as much as you needed him.”
Theo was quiet for a long time. “I can’t give him what he needs. What he deserves,” he said carefully.
“He’s probably thinking the same thing about himself,” I said, knowing that we were no longer talking about the dog.
“So where does that leave us?”
“Secrets,” I murmured. “I guess it’s about deciding whether you want to keep running from them or you want to start chasing them down one by one and putting an end to them.”
We both fell silent for a long time and just watched the water trickle endlessly by.
“Theo?” I said softly.
“Yeah?”
“I’m tired of running.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THEO
I’m tired of running.
I felt my heart constrict in my chest at Lincoln’s admission.
I’d been certain he was trying to urge me to share all of my own shameful secrets, using the stray dog as a way to talk about it without really talking about it.
Even though it had only been maybe an hour or so since I’d awoken and carefully extricated myself from Lincoln’s embrace, I’d felt like I was walking through some surreal version of my life. I didn’t have a clue how I’d behaved when I’d left the house or if I’d even spoken with someone before I had. The subconscious part of my brain must have been in control because one minute I’d walked out the door, and the next minute I’d been at our spot.
Mine and Lincoln’s.
But sitting down there without him apparently hadn’t worked for my brain either, so I’d ended up walking downstream a bit farther. After that it was like my mind had gone blank and then at some point, I’d returned to reality only to find the black dog lying next to me, its head on my lap.
I would have liked to just focus on the poor, battered creature but my thoughts had inevitably strayed to the night before. I’d known that Lincoln would come looking for me and I’d had this brief moment of indecision. My plan had been to rebuild the wall in my head but for a few precious seconds as I’d sat there with the dog who had no reason to trust me but apparently did, I’d wavered and thought about facing the truth about myself.
The entire truth.
But as I’d run through all the truths I’d have to accept, the need for self-preservation had kicked in like it had from the moment I’d walked into my parents’ home after Ford had turned on me and I’d discovered that not only had I lost my best friend, I’d lost control of my own life.