Total pages in book: 362
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
“See you differently?” I whispered.
Aios nodded. “I knew she wouldn’t.” Her gaze briefly met mine. “And you know Nyktos won’t. But I also know it’s hard to stop those kinds of thoughts.”
“It’s not that,” I said, my voice hoarse. “I mean, it was. And maybe there is still a part of me that fears that. But it’s me. I’m the problem.” I gave a short laugh. “I don’t want to look at myself differently. That’s the problem because…” I dragged my hand over my face. “I can’t even deal with what happened.”
“With what happened while you were in Dalos?” Aios asked quietly.
I shook my head, throat thickening. My gaze dropped to my hands. Several moments passed as I ran my fingers over the marriage imprint. Maybe even minutes. And I didn’t even know why I said what I did next. “He hadn’t been with anyone since Sotoria.”
Aios hesitated. Only for a heartbeat. “That doesn’t surprise me. As I told you before, he never touched any of us.”
“But he liked to…he liked to watch.” My fingers curled inward. “Remember, I found the chest of toys.”
“He did.” Aios’s inhalation—like her exhalation—was long and slow. “Did he make use of them this time?”
“No. Probably because I used one as a weapon.” The smile that memory brought was quick. “And I think because he believed I was Sotoria. He wouldn’t…disrespect me. At least, that’s what he probably thought in that fucking messed-up head of his.”
I ran my tongue over the back of my teeth. “He…he did touch me, though. The first time was at the beginning when I tried to escape.” My cheeks warmed, and I hated that. The feeling. The thoughts behind it. “He used compulsion to make me behave.”
“Was that the only time?”
I shook my head and then quickly looked at her. “He didn’t go too far.”
Her chin lowered, along with her voice. “He went too far the first moment he laid a finger on you.”
“I know.” I looked away, my nose and throat stinging. “He didn’t rape me. That is not a lie.”
“I believe you, and I am relieved to hear that,” she said and then fell quiet. She let the silence stretch between us again. Giving me time.
Space.
At some point in that time and space, I told her everything. It was almost like I wasn’t there. My lips and tongue moved without conscious effort. I stood without realizing it, and everything just came out of me. And when I was done…
“I thought I would feel better after saying something.” A ragged laugh left me as I sat, my spine stiff. “I don’t feel better. Fuck, I feel worse because saying all of that out loud makes me feel like I’m back there. I can even smell him. And it also makes me feel like I’m overreacting. That I didn’t have it as bad as far too many others did.”
“Fates, Sera, you are so wrong about that,” Aios said, sitting beside me, though not too close, like she knew I needed a good foot of space around me. Because, of course, she knew. “Yes, some of us experienced worse when he tired of us and tossed us aside, but that does not mean that what you went through is less than. He held you against your will. Put you on display and threatened you. Repeatedly. He manipulated you and abused you. He forced you to do things you didn’t want to do. He assaulted you. And if you hadn’t freed yourself when you did, he would’ve taken what he wanted. I know he would have. That is not nothing.”
Flinching, I closed my eyes. “I know. I know it’s not nothing. I do.” I folded an arm over my waist. “I think the hardest thing for me is the lack of complete…control. I had none. And…” I pressed my lips together. “Yeah, that’s the part I keep getting hung up on.”
“That’s understandable, Sera. I felt the same way. We couldn’t even choose what we wore or when we ate. But we both have control now.”
We did.
“Last night, I had…I don’t know. It was like I was suddenly back there. I lost control, and the nota took over.” I pressed my lips together. “Nyktos hasn’t fed from me since I returned. I’ve offered, but he says he doesn’t need to, and I know that’s not why. I freeze up every time, but…” I trailed off, remembering how his lips and flesh had felt earlier. Once again, his skin hadn’t been as cold as it normally was when he didn’t feed, and I didn’t think it was his body replenishing itself. So, how…?
The nape of my neck tingled, and an image of Rhain formed in my mind.
Oh, my gods.
I jumped up, startling Aios. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”
Aios rose, concern filling her expression. “Is everything okay?”