Total pages in book: 167
Estimated words: 157175 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 786(@200wpm)___ 629(@250wpm)___ 524(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 157175 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 786(@200wpm)___ 629(@250wpm)___ 524(@300wpm)
‘Don’t get any ideas.’ It’s out before I can stop it, and she looks up at me, her fingers playing with Betty’s little hand. Sam’s quick to fall apart, and Ava’s quick to put me straight. ‘I’m happy with the two, thanks.’
I know I visibly sag before her, and I can’t help it. Imagining going through pregnancy hell again makes me sweat. The worry. The anxiety. The constant fear that something small, a twinge or something else, meant something was seriously wrong. And then the labour. ‘Good,’ I confirm, rolling my shoulders, making Sam laugh harder.
‘You’re too old, man.’ Sam sticks the knife right in and twists it repeatedly.
‘Fuck you,’ I spit, moving on, keen to divert that conversation. ‘How are you, anyway?’ He looks knackered.
‘I thought I’d seen every intimate part of my girlfriend.’ He shudders. ‘I was so wrong.’
I laugh, looking towards the door when Kate comes wobbling through.
She looks surprisingly fresh, considering. ‘I snuck out because it’s not visiting time and they won’t let you in.’ She reaches Ava, who is fast to take her in a hug.
‘I’m so happy for you.’
‘Don’t be,’ Kate gripes. ‘I’m walking like John Wayne for all the wrong reasons.’ Her joke, delivered flat and dry, sets all of us off laughing.
Sam places Betty in Kate’s arms. ‘Yeah, how long until . . . you know . . .’ He nods down at Kate’s hips.
Her look is pure filth. ‘I only have enough energy to stab you.’ She drops a light kiss on Betty’s head, all the while keeping daggers on Sam, who’s grinning like a fool.
‘It’ll be a month at least,’ I tell my clueless mate, relishing his horrified look. I feel his pain. That month after the twins were born was the longest fucking month of my life. Giving him a slap on the shoulder, I sigh, raising my hand and gesturing some wanking action. ‘Meet your new best friend.’
He groans and slips his arm around Kate’s shoulders. ‘It’s a good job I love this crazy woman. Let’s get coffee before I fall asleep here and now.’
We start to wander to the small café at the end of the corridor, Kate wobbling along with the help of a very attentive Sam, me and Ava following. I look down at her, finding her thoughtful. I’m speaking before my brain engages. ‘You know, if you wanted another . . .’
I have absolutely no fucking clue where that just came from. What the actual fuck? Who put those words in my mouth? I know who. That bastard thing called decency. Or is it guilt? Desperation? I don’t know, but what I do know is that if she really really wanted to have another baby, I’d find a way to deal with it. If only just so she could be pregnant and remember it again, to go through birth and have that experience to remember. To be a mother to a baby and a toddler. To have the first tooth and the first day of school. Pain churns in my gut. It’s only now it dawns on me just how much she’s missing from our children’s lives, and while I would love nothing more than for her to have those memories back, I have to accept that they may not come. So maybe I could give her some in another way. Am I being gallant? Or have I completely lost the plot? I conclude, quite speedily, that it’s the latter. What the hell am I thinking? The sweat beads on my brow are instant.
‘Don’t worry,’ Ava chuckles, clearly noticing my suddenly awkward form. ‘I don’t.’
‘Thank fuck,’ I breathe, all kinds of relived. I don’t think I’ve ever suggested anything so dumb. I’m fifty, for fuck’s sake. I’m done making babies.
Chapter 42
We’re back to silence as we sit outside Ava’s doctor’s office, my foot nervously tapping the carpet until Ava’s forced to reach forward and place a firm hand on my knee to stop it. ‘I’m sorry.’ I sigh, taking her hand and bringing it to my mouth, kissing the back. My knee starts going loopy again, adrenalin making it bounce. I can’t stop it.
Ava sighs, exasperated, jumping up and sitting on my lap, a last-ditch attempt to get my shakes under control. It’s a ridiculous plan. Her weight. My strength. She starts jerking away on my lap like she could be vibrating. ‘Fucking hell, Jesse.’
My trembles stop, just like that. ‘Will you watch your fucking mouth?’ Her swearing won’t help me, and neither does her insolence in the form of rolling eyes.
‘Ava Ward,’ someone calls from behind us before I can unleash more displeasure on her, and I look to see Dr Peters standing at his office door. He smiles, taking in the sight of my lap full of Ava. ‘Please, come in.’
We walk into his office and take a seat in front of his desk. I flick Ava a look, trying to read her disposition once again. She looks perfectly cool. Content, even.