Total pages in book: 218
Estimated words: 209489 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1047(@200wpm)___ 838(@250wpm)___ 698(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 209489 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1047(@200wpm)___ 838(@250wpm)___ 698(@300wpm)
All I’d ever wanted was to be loved, to have someone know me for me. To have more than just my grandparents, as ungrateful as that sounded. When I was young, I’d dreamed about having siblings. I’d dreamed about having my parents around to do things that they hadn’t been able to. Then later on, I had wanted a partner in life.
I’d thought I’d have more time to meet someone I trusted enough to have sex with, and I hadn’t even done that.
I could have settled for one real friend that I could tell everything to. Just one. I didn’t need a girl gang or a squad. I wanted one person to share this burden with. That wasn’t too much, was it?
A few more tears fell down my cheeks.
How was it possible that life could be this fucking unfair? What had I ever done except been born to the wrong people? I hadn’t asked for any of this.
It was fucking bullshit.
All of it. All of this. Steaming bullshit.
I shrugged helplessly, training my eyes on the orbs of pure white light on the ceiling as my soul died a little. My vision blurred as I shook my head slowly, bitterly. “You heard me. What are you going to do? Kill me?” I asked before chuckling; it sounded as hollow and defeated as I felt. “Get in line. I’m dead in here anyway. You might as well finish the job and make it quick.”
It would be better that way. It’d be less painful, I’d bet. Dying at The Defender’s hand.
“Stop talking,” he growled so fiercely I probably would have started shaking days ago, but right then, I didn’t care. Not a little bit. Not any bit.
So this was what defeat felt like, huh?
I was Fucked. With a capital F.
More tears fell, and I chuckled, and it hurt. Life was over. It was fucking over. I couldn’t believe it.
I wilted even more onto the floor, ready for it to suck me in and make me one with the earth. “For the record, I never wanted to drag you into this. It’s why I kept asking you if you wanted to go somewhere else. I begged them to leave you alone.” Not that it had done shit.
I was here after all.
There were so many things I still wanted to do. Things I felt like I’d been robbed of. Things that felt even more precious now that I understood the situation we were in.
I groaned and wiped my damp eyes with the meaty part of my palm as I shook my head in disbelief. I’m sorry, Grandma and Grandpa. I’m so, so sorry.
I shrugged at him, feeling more defeated than I had when I’d tried to play Zelda with a broken thumb.
Hope had lost its wings and needed some crutches now.
A picture of my grandma’s face formed in my head right then though.
I couldn’t let everything be in vain. There was no reason to think I was going to be dying any time soon. Maybe they would drag this out and torture me for a long period of time. I had… I had ten toes. Ten fingers. Other body parts. You could still live a rich and fulfilling life without a tongue. I’d always planned on learning ASL.
I squeezed my hands into fists.
But I really liked my tongue and fingers.
Maybe I wasn’t going to be keeping my shit together.
My chest bounced up and down as even more tears filled my eyes and nasal cavity. It was pure pride that kept me from melting straight into a panic attack. A straight-up shit attack. I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. I was still alive. I was still fucking alive.
“What does the Arenas gang want with you?” The Defender finally asked after I’d wiped at my eyes and tried calming the fuck down.
It didn’t last.
Of course he’d figured that part out. I sniffed, suddenly feeling like a joke. “It doesn’t matter, does it? I know you’re feeling a little better, so I’ll try and stay alive until you’re strong enough to get out of here. Unless they straight up poison me or shoot me in the face, I’ll try my best. I’m stubborn. I won’t give up that easily.”
Give up. Oh, I wanted to cry at the unfairness of all this shit. What had I ever done to deserve this?
There was a beat of silence as he probably realized how close I was to having a meltdown. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d been able to smell it. But I was shocked when he very calmly said, “I wouldn’t be asking… if it didn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter. Trust me.” I sighed, realizing how stupid that sounded. “Never mind. I forget you don’t, but you can believe me, there’s nothing that can affect you. Not anymore. I don’t think they know who you are, so as long as you don’t do anything to give yourself away, you’ll be fine.” I guess that was the only bright side.