Total pages in book: 121
Estimated words: 117820 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 589(@200wpm)___ 471(@250wpm)___ 393(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 117820 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 589(@200wpm)___ 471(@250wpm)___ 393(@300wpm)
My lip shakes as new waves of pain take me over.
“If I tell you, I can’t take it back. You have to hold it forever. It’ll stay with you. It’ll haunt you.” My words are whispered, my jaw is trembling, my teeth chattering, my body aching.
“I can take it.”
“I don’t think I can handle hurting you,” I admit.
“You fuckin’ destroyed me already, Immy.” Concerned eyes search my face. “What can be worse than this?” Realization dawns and his eyes widen. “Did you have an abortion? That what this is?”
I laugh coldly. “Oh, Kane… I fuckin’ wish it was that. I really fuckin’ wish it was that.”
“Then what, Immy? I’m stumped.”
“Let me make you that coffee first.”
He lets me go again and follows me into the kitchen. “You need time to sort your head out?”
“Never thought I’d have to tell you. Need more than time to sort my head out.” I look at him, eyes filling with tears. Then, finally I admit out loud all the shit I should have admitted out loud so many years ago, “I didn’t come back because I wanted to spare you this. You have to understand that, I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you.”
“I’m startin’ to get that, but Immy, we were partners. Anythin’ you were feelin’, I should’a been feeling right there with you.” His words cut me deeper than any of his others. His accent is heavier than usual, it always got this way when he was riled up or emotional which wasn’t often. Well, the latter wasn’t often, the former was quite often. “Why the fuck did you leave, Immy? Just tell me.”
“I didn’t leave, Kane,” I reply, placing my hands on the small breakfast bar and splaying my fingers. My chipped nail polish is a gentle reminder that I need to get my shit together. I didn’t survive what I survived to fucking succumb to the agony of this moment.
“You did.”
“No I didn’t,” I respond firmly and look into his eyes. “I didn’t leave.” With a deep inhale, I finally admit, feeling a weight lift and a new one settle, “I was taken.”
His brows pull together. “What?”
His confusion is exactly as I expected.
“Mee-maw found out I was pregnant.”
His body stiffens, I expected that too.
“So she sent me away, some place I couldn’t get away from.”
“But—” He looks at me dumbfounded and with no small amount of disbelief. “You were pregnant?”
“Yeah. I was pregnant.”
17 years old
My brother is a mess. Poppy won’t take him back and I don’t blame her. He’s become slightly psychotic, stalking her, trying to force her to kiss him because in his drug-delusional brain he thinks if she kisses him she’ll remember she loves him.
There’s no getting through to him. He hardly has any lucid moments these days. What’s worse is Mee-maw is taking it all out on me which isn’t fair. Because he can’t physically feel shit there’s no use beating him, so instead she belittles and berates me at every turn then acts nice as pie come dinner time.
I can’t wait to get the hell out of here.
“Matthew?” I call into his dark bedroom and find his silhouette by the window before my eyes adjust. “Are you okay?”
“Get the fuck out!” he yells and a shoe hits the wall by my head.
I startle and quickly close the door, trying not to burn the image of him in nothing but his boxers, a cigarette hanging from his mouth and a spiteful look on his face. He has never in my life looked at me the way he started looking at me when Poppy rejected him.
He blames me, he thinks I helped Poppy turn against him which I didn’t. I only supported her decision to leave him because he fucking ruined her, I didn’t actively make it happen. If she’d chosen to forgive him I’d have called her an idiot but I’d have supported that too. He doesn’t get to blame what he did on anybody else. It’s unfair.
I return to my room and smile at the sight of Kane sitting on my bed, looking through my journal of all things. A smile lights up his face at something I’ve written, I should be pissed that he’s looking through it but I have no thoughts in my head that I don’t share with Kane already.
Things have been different between us since his fight with Marshall. I probably should have been stronger and turned him away but everything is so messed up right now I just don’t have the strength to fight with him. He hasn’t apologized but then again he never does. We just haven’t spoken about it. He showed up a few days later with a shake and a brownie from my favorite place.
He only said, “Sorry I ain’t been in touch, gotta get my shit together.” And that was it. That was enough. For now anyway. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than Kane and his anger issues. We haven’t had sex though and I think he’s feeling that. I just haven’t been feeling it recently. I’m too stressed, too tired, too worried about the future.