Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 73663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
“Can I ask you something?” I say as we round the far end and head back toward the house. The bushes move in the breeze and butterflies flit through the air.
“Please do. I hope it’s about gardening. You need some serious lecturing to get up to speed.”
I smile but shake my head. “It’s about children, actually.”
She blinks and tilts her head. “Go on, ask away.”
“Could you have given one up? One of your babies, I mean. If you had to.” I turn pink and look down at the ground. “That’s a crazy and random question, I know, I’m so sorry.”
She pats my arm. “No, dear, I couldn’t have. I still think about holding them all for the first time.” She trails off, her smile faltering slightly. I know that look—it means she’s having trouble remembering.
“I’m worried I won’t be good enough. You know, as a mother. I’m afraid it’ll be hard and I won’t be able to handle it. And worse, I won’t be able to be in my baby’s life the way I want to.”
“You’re a good person, dear. I think if you try hard enough, you can handle almost anything. You married my son, didn’t you?”
I stare at her with surprise. “That’s right. I married Renzo.”
“And you’re talking about his child. My first grandchild.”
“Yes,” I say, feeling excited. This is the first time she really seems to understand who I am. “I’m pregnant with his baby.”
“Then be careful.” Her voice softens and her grip on my arm tightens. “This family. It can be hard. But if you love it enough—”
She stops as Renzo appears on the path up ahead. I want her to continue, to explain what she means. My heart’s racing up into my throat. Instead, she smiles vaguely and pats my hand again.
“Hello, Mother,” he says as he joins us. “Do you mind if I borrow Maddie for a little while?”
“Not at all.” Stella moves away from me and lets Renzo steer her over to the nurse. I watch her go, not moving. I feel like my body’s crumbling, like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff and staring down at murky water all over again, the ripples spreading across the still surface. No bubbles follow.
“Do you want to keep walking?” Renzo asks.
I shrug and follow him as he begins back around the pathway. “Your mom’s doing good today.”
“I haven’t seen her up walking like that in a while. It makes me happy.”
“I’m glad. She knew who I was. Even knew who you were.”
He seems surprised, but he smothers the smile. “I want to ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try.” I want to reach out and touch his arm. I want him to pull me against his broad chest. I want his lips on my mouth, his growl on my lips. I want to tangle my limbs with his, to let out sweat mingle together and mix on the sheets.
I want my husband so badly it hurts.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.
I stare at the ground. “I was scared.”
“No, that’s not enough. Please, Maddie. I need to know. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want things to change.”
“But what does that mean? You said it before, and I don’t think I really heard you then. Make me hear you now.” He stops walking and faces me.
I stare at him, mind racing. I could turn inward and hide. I could pull into myself, stay inside the safety of this house, spend my days with his mother until the baby comes, then take the money and run. I could do the safe thing, the smart thing.
This family’s about to start a war. There will be violence and my life will be in danger if I stay.
But I’m not the mouse anymore. I don’t want to skitter and hide. I won’t let my fear run my life anymore.
“I’m in love with you,” I say, blurting out the words before I can stop them.
His eyes widen. “You’re in love with me?”
“I kept thinking that if I told you about the baby, everything would change. Our deal would be finished and you wouldn’t need me anymore, but I didn’t want that to happen. I want to be in your arms every night, Renzo. I want to be in your life. I want you to wake up with me, bring me coffee, laugh at my jokes. I want your kiss, your voice, your everything. I was scared that if I told you about the pregnancy, then it would all go away. I was afraid I’d lose you.”
He steps close. His face is soft, almost sad. “You really thought that?”
I nod, helpless and small, but not afraid. “I’m sorry. I really am. I should’ve told you right away, I just wasn’t ready. I hoped I’d get more time to enjoy being your wife.”