Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 73663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73663 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 295(@250wpm)___ 246(@300wpm)
I stop. I can’t go on. The rest is too bad. Pulling her to dry land. Slapping her face, screaming at her to wake up. Crying when she didn’t. Trying to drag her to a hiking trail and eventually leaving her behind to run home to tell my mom. The police, the EMTs. Mom and Dad sobbing. Ruby on a gurney.
His arms wrap around me, warm and hard, and he hugs me against his body. I cry, not like I did the night before. He doesn’t say much, only how sorry he is, how awful it must have been. He strokes my hair and rubs my back until I calm down enough to speak again.
“It was my fault. No, don’t tell me it wasn’t. It was my fault. I’ve heard it wasn’t from a dozen different psychologists and friends and even my parents, but I know it was my fault. Ruby didn’t want to make that climb. She was afraid, but I made her do it anyway, because I was being selfish. I made her move over to a more dangerous section of the wall because I didn’t want dirt in my face. It was my fault, and I live with that guilt my whole life.”
He lets out a long breath and holds me tighter. This is the part where he tries to say I’m wrong, where he tries to convince me that I was just a little girl and I couldn’t have known. But he’s wrong, everyone’s wrong. I know it’s my fault that my sister died.
“That’s why you’re always hiding,” he says instead, moving back slightly to look at me.
“I don’t know. I guess so. All the therapy didn’t work. I kept feeling broken, like something was wrong with me, until I made this decision. I told myself that I’m dangerous, and that I have to stop taking risks for the rest of my life, because people die when I take risks. That’s what happened to Ruby, and I’d never let it happen again.”
“You’re trying to be careful.” His voice sounds pained. “Baby, you have to let that go.”
“I can’t. My sister’s dead because of me.”
“It was an accident.”
“An accident I caused. Believe me, Renzo. There’s nothing you can say to change my mind. I’ve heard it all because, and nothing works.”
He shifts so he’s looking me in the eyes. His hands rub mine, thumbs over my knuckles. “If I can’t convince you that it wasn’t your fault, then at least let me make a promise.”
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“I promise that I won’t ever let you hurt anyone again.”
My heart does a double-beat. My stomach clenches. I laugh because I don’t know what else to do. “You can’t promise that.”
“I can. You’re my wife, baby, and I can look after you. The way you hide, the way you sneak around keeping your head down, that isn’t who you are.”
“I can’t be anyone else.”
“You can be yourself, or at least you can walk around knowing that I will always make sure you’re safe, and that everyone is safe from you.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Maybe. It could be. But you want to start taking risks again, don’t you?”
I stare down at our hands. He’s completely right. I want to start living again. It’s why I’m here in this room with him, wearing his ring, playing his game. The money might’ve caught my attention, but what’s keeping me here is the promise of a real life. I can make mistakes with him because Renzo is the kind of man who can handle himself. I don’t have to be afraid of screwing him up.
“I’m afraid,” I admit, and he nods and squeezes my hands.
“But I can be here for you, baby. Take some risks. Don’t be afraid to climb.”
I let out a soft sob. He pulls me against him and I cry again. “I want to,” I whisper through the tears. “I really do, but I can’t.”
“You can. Let me keep you safe.”
He holds me like that for a while, until my tears dry up and my coffee’s cold. I pull back, smiling, feeling drained and a little embarrassed. “This doesn’t have to be your problem, you know.”
“I should be insulted. You’re my wife now. Your problems are my problems.”
“I’m your fake wife.”
“I don’t see a difference.” He holds my hand and doesn’t move. “I know this climbing gym nearby. Let’s spend the morning there.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I don’t want to literally climb.”
“Have you tried it since you were a kid?”
“No, but—” I shrug a little. “Seems like a bad idea.”
“You don’t have to, but it might be cathartic. Sort of like keeping the stones around, except instead of keeping them as reminders of what you did, the climbing can be a way to work out those bad feelings. Also, it’s pretty fun.”
I blow out a breath. “The crystals stay. You’re not getting rid of them.”