Total pages in book: 58
Estimated words: 54721 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 274(@200wpm)___ 219(@250wpm)___ 182(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 54721 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 274(@200wpm)___ 219(@250wpm)___ 182(@300wpm)
I lift my chin, acknowledging the offer. Not the first time he’s told me that, and there’s not a doubt in my mind if Lucas somehow ends up on the ice at the same time as me and comes after me, my teammates will be right there. Hell, they all know about my troubles with Simone as word travels through the grapevine and most of them were privy to her attacking that fan at Mario’s. But I haven’t divulged details to any of them, nor do they know the reasons for us separating. It’s obvious the stress of Arco’s biography is a weight on me but no one really knows how that led to me leaving Simone.
I move along with the line, lost in my thoughts. I run a drill and when I’m finished, I search for Lucas on his side of the ice before choosing the next line. I’ll keep distance between us. I’d already hurt his sister once. Like many couples do, we had a make-or-break moment when it first hit the news that Arco was my father. Simone wanted to stand by my side, but our relationship was too fucking new and I was too unsure of myself to accept what she was so freely giving to me. I had no confidence in what we had.
A freelance reporter who recognized me that one time I visited Arco in prison wrote a sensationalized article revealing my true identity to the world, just as the Cold Fury were starting their championship run. The article was entitled “The Unknown Madness of Van Turner,” and it was the third-most horrific thing that had ever happened to me. The first, learning my dad was a serial killer, and the second, finding my mother’s body after she died by suicide.
Simone was in California with me for the game and she immediately kicked into caregiver mode. She knew about Arco and she was my stalwart champion. Except when she asked, “What are we going to do?” my response was to immediately push her away.
“We?” I scoffed. “Why is this a we thing? Last I heard, your dad was a prominent doctor, not a serial killer.” That didn’t anger her. I had her empathy and it made me feel even worse. “I need you to stay out of this. It’s hard enough to deal with the fallout of all this shit, but I don’t need to worry about you at the same time.”
Simone didn’t back down. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
“You see, but I will. And fuck… it’s hard work just letting you in. I’m constantly judging my actions and trying to figure out if they measure up to what I think are acceptable standards for you. And while I’m worrying about that shit with you, I’ve now got to deal with the entire world knowing about my shame.”
Simone frowned. “Your shame?”
“Yes, my fucking shame,” I yelled at her. “Do you know how dirty and disgusting this shit makes me feel? I’m swept up into his sickness just by association. How many people are looking at me and wondering is he like his father?”
In hindsight, I’m sure it wasn’t what I thought, but at that moment, I thought she looked at me with pity and I couldn’t take it. I tried to leave… put space between us.
She begged me not to push her away. “I’ve got your back.”
I snarled at her. “You’ve got my back? You’ve got my back?”
She lifted her chin and stood her ground. “I do.”
Disdain was evident in the scathing timbre of my tone. “And just how do you have my back, Simone? Just how are you going to support me through this?”
“By standing beside you. By defending you. By telling and showing the world that you’re kind and generous and loving and—”
“I fuck you, Simone.” My tone was flat and without any tenderness. “I give you orgasms. I laugh at your silliness. But I am not kind nor generous nor loving. So you’d essentially be lying on my behalf. Is that how you’ll support me?”
“You’re more than that,” she whispered.
“You know I’m not. And besides that, do you think people are going to accept what you’re saying? I give a little interview with the media and proclaim I’m a good guy, but instead the media shows highlights of all my fights to speculate that I’m a violent person. I know how this shit plays out. It’s why it’s easier to keep people out.”
And still, she would not give up. She would not abandon me. Relentless brat that she was. “Van… I get you’re angry, and maybe the natural thing is to drive away those that care about you—”
“You’re wrong. I don’t intend to drive Etta away at all.” The implication was crystal clear that only Etta was welcome in my life. I’m not sure I really meant that but I was spiraling so quickly. I said the words even though they felt wrong. “I made a mistake. I should have never gotten in this deep with you. Should have never opened myself up like I did.”