Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 91864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91864 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 459(@200wpm)___ 367(@250wpm)___ 306(@300wpm)
“Work?” Dad asked.
“Yeah. Running your own company means you have to be the one to put the work into it. It took me a lot of years to build it up, so I think there’s this part of me that feels like if I let the ball drop, then it’ll all go away.”
“With some of the projects you were telling us about earlier,” Dad said, “it doesn’t sound like it’ll be going away anytime soon. I bet your parents are really proud of you.”
My chest constricted.
It was as though Dad had done what all great parents had a way of doing, psychically picked up on a sensitive subject and dug into it with a knife.
As I checked Ethan’s expression, what had been so friendly and playful throughout the barbecue, had turned stoic.
Shit.
“Well, now that he’s helped you out, I say we get back to the party,” I said, trying to get Ethan out of what had become an awkward moment. We headed back and spent another half hour hanging around—thirty minutes that were far more awkward than when Ethan had first arrived. He wasn’t smiling and laughing with people anymore.
He’d become cold and guarded.
I decided it would be better if I got Ethan out of there, so we said our good-byes to everyone before returning to the car.
As soon as we got in, I asked Ethan, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” His words were curt, defensive.
“My dad was just trying to be nice when he said that thing about your parents. I’m sorry if that stirred something up.”
“Your parents didn’t do anything wrong. They were great.”
Despite the compliment, considering how serious he sounded, I knew something was up.
And it was clear by the way he was talking that he didn’t want to discuss it.
I decided I should give him a moment to think, at least until we got back to my condo.
25
Ethan
I knew my reaction to Johnnie’s statement was insane. It was an offhanded comment, one that anyone could make. One that people had made in the past, but it had been different today. As I stood at a family barbecue with the man I was sleeping with, after they’d paraded me around as if I was suddenly one of their own.
All I could think about were my parents…if they were alive, would they be proud of me? Would my father have wrapped his arm around Sean’s shoulders the way Johnnie had done with me? Would he have spoken about me with the pride and love in his eyes that both Barbara and Johnnie had when they spoke about Sean?
Or would I have somehow been a disappointment to them? Would they have grown to look at me the way my grandmother did or would my mom have resented us because marrying my father and having me had made her lose her own mother’s love?
“I know they’re a little too much to handle sometimes, but they mean well,” Sean said, pulling me out of my thoughts.
“They’re fine.” They were perfect. They were exactly what I hope my parents would have been.
We were quiet most of the way back to Sean’s condo. I couldn’t stop thinking about his family and the barbecue and the fact that I’d gone in the first place. That it had felt good to be led around the yard by Sean’s father as though he was…fuck, as though he was proud of me. As though I’d meant something to him—not because I was good at what I did or because he thought he could get something from me. It was a stupid fucking thing to think. He didn’t know me. He’d been nice to me because I was there with his son, but for a few moments, it had felt like I had a family. Or like I could. As incredible as that was, it also scared the living fuck out of me because it wasn’t real.
None of this was. Sean was my fuck buddy. We were playing around, having fun, he was teaching me about my prostate and showing me how good it could feel to play around back there. I’d had no business going to that barbecue today…and I didn’t understand why I had. Why I suddenly had this unfamiliar ache in my chest.
I shoved out of the car when we got to Sean’s condo. I heard him right behind me. Home…I should go home right now. That would fix everything. I could go on my way and end this…whatever it was we were doing but I didn’t. I was pissed at him and pissed at me and didn’t speak to him as I made my way to his door.
He opened it, and I pushed past him. I opened my mouth to tell him I didn’t need his family. I didn’t need anyone. That I hadn’t enjoyed myself today and that there wasn’t a part of me that had felt at home for the first time since I’d lost my own parents. Before I could say any of that, Sean spoke first. “Don’t walk away.” His statement nearly stole my breath.