Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 94687 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94687 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 316(@300wpm)
Chloe gasped. “Grandma Russell knew? Damn, she took that secret to the grave, huh?”
“Well, Mom had to put me somewhere,” I explained with a shrug. “And actually, Grandma was surprisingly chill about it. She said it had happened to a friend of hers back in like 1950 or something, and the girl had to go to a convent.”
“Wow.” Frannie shook her head.
“So what did you have, April?” Meg asked softly. “A girl or a boy?”
“A boy.” Closing my eyes, I pictured that tiny, wailing, perfect, beautiful baby they’d placed on my chest. “I had a boy.”
No one spoke for a few seconds.
“Did you even get to hold him?” Frannie asked.
“For a few minutes. I remember he was wrapped in a white flannel blanket and wore a blue knit hat, and he had huge, dark, serious eyes. He wasn’t even crying, but I was.” I smiled ruefully and wiped a tear from my eye. “I promised him that I’d never forget him, that I hoped he’d have the best life ever, and that I was sorry I couldn’t keep him. Then I handed him over to his mom and dad—his real mom and dad.”
They were all silent for a moment, and Sylvia took my hand. “That had to be so hard for you.”
“It was,” I said.
“Do you know his name?” Chloe asked gently.
I nodded. “They named him Charles, after his father and grandfather.”
They were quiet as it sunk in.
“What did you do after that?” Chloe asked.
“I came home for the summer and never said a word to anyone. That fall I went back to Penn State and tried to move on.”
“Wait a minute, back up. What about Tyler?” Meg asked. “You said he knew about the baby?”
I nodded. “Yes. He was home that Thanksgiving too. I went over to his house and told him, and he was devastated. I could just see it on his face—he thought his life was over. He wasn’t ready to be a dad. He wasn’t even nineteen. He’d barely gotten his ticket out of here, and hadn’t even played a major league game yet. He didn’t want the responsibility of a wife and kid.”
“Did he offer to marry you?” Frannie wondered.
“No, he just asked me what I wanted to do. I said right away I wanted to give it up for adoption, and he was totally relieved. He offered to pay for anything I needed, but I told him I didn’t need money. The only other thing he asked was that his name be left off the birth certificate, and I agreed that was for the best.”
“Were you mad about that?” Meg studied me curiously.
“No. I understood. And it actually made things easier, because I didn’t have to chase him down to sign anything.” I shook my head. “I know we should have been careful. But I’ve never blamed Tyler. Mostly I just felt guilty and sad.”
“Why would you feel guilty?” Frannie asked. “You did the right thing.”
I fought a fresh onslaught of tears. “I know. In my head, I know. But something in me still felt like I was shirking my responsibility to this little human life, like I had failed some kind of test of my worth. I was ashamed.”
“I wonder if Tyler ever felt any of that,” said Meg. “If he ever had regrets.”
I shrugged. “Not that I know of. But to be fair, we never talked about it. I don’t know how he ended up feeling.”
Sylvia squeezed my hand. “You were so brave, April.”
“Do you—do you know what happened to the baby?” Frannie asked.
I shook my head. “No. Robin, his mom, offered to keep in touch by sending me updates every six months, or yearly, or however often I chose, but I declined. I knew I couldn’t handle it. She said she understood, but that if I ever changed my mind I could reach out. She left me with her address.”
“Did you ever do it?” Meg wondered.
“Not until now.” Willing myself to be brave, I stood up, went over to the counter, and dug the letter out of my purse. Then I tossed the envelope on the table and sat down again.
My sisters stared at it.
“Are you going to send it?” Chloe asked.
“Maybe.” I stared at it too. “But I’m scared. It will change my life.”
“But isn’t that why you wrote it?” Sylvia asked. “Because you want to change your life? I don’t think you would have brought us all here tonight if you didn’t.”
I struggled with tears, and they let me work through it for a moment.
“Why did you write it, April? I mean, why now?” Frannie asked.
I took a calming breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth, like Prisha had taught me. “First, it was you guys. Watching each of you find your perfect someone over the last year has been both wonderful and lonely. I don’t want you to feel bad about that,” I said quickly, because I could see the anguish taking over their faces. “You deserve to be happy. You worked for it. You put yourselves out there and took risks. I needed to figure out how to do that. I started seeing a therapist, and she’s been wonderful at helping me unpack some of the baggage I’ve kept hidden away. I used to think that what was past was past, but it turns out holding on to a painful secret like that has consequences that stick with you. It makes it impossible to embrace the future.”