Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 75481 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 377(@200wpm)___ 302(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75481 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 377(@200wpm)___ 302(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“I’m sorry, Rowan. I got caught up in the moment.”
“Evidently, so did I.”
I avoided looking him over, wondering if he’d gotten his boner under control. I was still having trouble, so eye contact was not a good idea right then. Instead, I leaned beside him and watched the traffic until I felt a bit more settled.
“Dennis and Tyler—were they Brett’s friends too?”
He glanced my way, eyes wide. “Yeah. But mostly mine.”
“What happened with Brett?”
“You don’t already know?” he teased.
My gut tightened as I remembered the phone call I’d overheard. “Okay, fair. But where did it go wrong?”
He looked away, pensive. “I suppose I knew from the beginning he was not for me, but I ignored the signs. End of story.”
I clenched my fist, recalling the grittier details. “But he cheated on you. That’s not right.”
He sighed, crossing one ankle over the other. Even leaning against a building, he looked elegant. “I couldn’t be what he wanted.”
I felt frustration like a hot iron in my chest. “Don’t put yourself down like that.”
“But it’s true.” His tone was steady and resigned.
“I don’t get it. Care to explain?”
This was likely the point where he’d shut me out again.
“I don’t do penetration. I mean, I have, but it’s not something I seek out.”
“Penetration? As in having a dick in your ass and vice versa?”
Not everyone enjoyed penetration, and I’d heard that people with this preference referred to themselves as a side. Personally, I’d had my share of sex since coming out, most of which didn’t happen to involve penetration, though I did enjoy bottoming.
“Yeah. And Brett knew that going in, but eventually, I wasn’t meeting his toppy needs, so his attention strayed.”
I scoffed. “No excuse. How about communication and working through it together?”
“For a person who’s never officially had a relationship, you sure know all the right buzzwords.”
“I don’t have to have a relationship to know what’s right.”
“True.” He sighed. “We were never great with communication, and he apparently needed more than I could give him. They always do…” He trailed off, making me wonder too many things at once.
“Is that why you don’t hook up or do relationships?”
“Partly. Ever since Brett, I’m over the whole thing.”
My heart has Scotch tape all over it.
It sounded like he had trouble trusting someone again, and that was sad but understandable. Or was there something more?
“Sex can be fun even without penetration. There are plenty of other things you can do.”
“Obviously. Like what happened between us.”
“Frotting for the win.”
Rowan’s skin sparkled with a ruby sheen, and I couldn’t help reveling in that.
“But when they want more…let’s just say it doesn’t always go over very well. As I said, I’ve done it—giving and receiving—but I haven’t enjoyed it for the most part. And there’s a huge misconception in the gay community about what penetration means. If you avoid it, it’s assumed there’s shame involved or trauma or internalized homophobia. I’m so over explaining that it just doesn’t feel right—for me.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I said, beginning to understand him and his reluctance a little more. “I still can’t get over the fact that Brett was too much of a dick to understand, let alone these other guys.”
He shrugged. “Thing is, if you meet somebody who only enjoys giving, they’re probably not going to be very satisfied. And if you’re only doing it out of obligation, that adds a whole other layer of resentment.”
He sounded so mature and reasonable about it, albeit a little sad and resigned. Not self-possessed like he was in his everyday life. But what Brett did to chip away at his confidence irked me.
“I feel like if you really make a connection with someone, there should be some way you could make it work.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Then you’re on the right path and will make a good boyfriend someday. When you’re ready.”
I nodded. “I like being a bottom, but mostly, I’ve done other stuff that’s been really fucking enjoyable. But I guess if I fell in love and really wanted to make it work, we’d figure it out together. I’m sorry that happened to you.”
He straightened and lifted his chin, reminding me that his ego was still intact. “Brett is maybe beginning to understand what he’s missing, and that’s satisfying. When I’m in, I’m all in. I’m good at relationships, even if I’m over them.”
I smirked. “I don’t doubt it. You can be very generous when you want to be. It balances out your messiness.”
He rolled his eyes, then glanced at his feet. “Well, you’re super easy to please.”
“What does that mean?”
His hand motioned flippantly. “Just feed you dumplings and give you a new pack of Post-it notes, and you’re in your glory.”
My chest burned as our eyes met. This was the first time I felt truly on level ground with Rowan. Like he was showing me all his cards, even those he was keeping close to his chest. I felt this gnawing in my gut, wondering if I could be the one to show Rowan that it could be good for him with someone who cared.