Total pages in book: 69
Estimated words: 65712 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 329(@200wpm)___ 263(@250wpm)___ 219(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 65712 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 329(@200wpm)___ 263(@250wpm)___ 219(@300wpm)
So I talk to Sandra about these things. She’s been on the receiving end of Everly’s matchmaking shenanigans, so she gets it. Sandra is very discreet. I can send her all the details of the guy I’m meeting and know that she’ll never use it, unless I actually do disappear while on a date. Everly on the other hand would use the information to Facebook-friend the guy, run a background check and befriend his mother. So Sandra is the one I send the details to. You know, the safety details—who I’m meeting, when, where etc. I watch a lot of crime television, specifically Criminal Minds, so I always make sure someone knows where I am if I’m meeting a date. Just in case he turns out to be a criminal or whatever.
“A strap-on,” I repeat. “Penis,” I clarify when no one speaks.
I’m met with silence. I glance around the table at their shocked faces and then stuff another bite of pasta in my mouth while shrugging again.
“I’m gonna need you to back this story up,” Everly says while holding both hands up and bending her fingers towards her like she’s directing traffic. “Back. It. Up.”
“Yeah, I think we’re going to need more information,” Sophie agrees.
“I got a match on the dating app I’m using. The guy is gorgeous. He messages me immediately and I’m all hell yeah, fist-pumping myself in my living room. The message says, ‘One question. Will you fuck me with a strap-on?’” I pause and look around the table. “So I think he’s joking and type back, ‘Only if I can pick the size,’ and I’m proud of myself for being so quick on my feet, you know? I’m sitting on my couch laughing when his next message comes in. It said, ‘Any size you want. I’ll buy.’ He was serious. That’s what dating looks like. Men messaging and asking if I want to fuck them with a strap-on. I think it’s me. I attract weirdos.”
“I don’t think it’s you,” Sophie says soothingly while Everly shakes her head in agreement.
“No, I think it’s me.”
“Once—back when I was single—a guy left in the middle of sex,” Sandra says and we all swivel our attention to her.
“Stop!” Everly throws her hand up. “I know you’re shy but I cannot believe you’ve kept this story from me when I’ve known you almost a year. A year!”
Sandra blushes and covers her eyes with her hand. “It’s embarrassing.”
“Too late. I need the details.”
“So this guy, we went out a few times. I thought it was going well, you know?” She glances around the table. “We met for coffee a couple of times. Met for drinks at this really cute place another time and it turned into dinner. I thought we had something.”
“And then…?” Everly asks, drawing the words out.
“We had sex. Halfway through he stopped, pulled out and left.”
“That is not a true story,” Everly says.
“It is.” Sandra nods. “I promise you it is.”
“Was he still hard?”
“Yup. Pulled out. Pulled up his pants and left. I never heard from him again.”
The table is silent again while we mull that over. Then Sophie reminds us that she dated a gay guy for two years.
“Dating sucks,” I conclude.
“I got kicked out a guy’s apartment once,” Everly offers as her contribution to dating horror stories.
“You broke into his apartment, Everly. You stole his key and broke in. You’re his dating horror story, not the other way around,” I remind her while Sophie and Sandra laugh.
“Minor detail, Chloe.” Everly groans. “It was still a painful learning experience. Anyway, enough doom and gloom. I’ve got the perfect guy in mind for you.”
“Of course you do. No.”
“He’s hot—and he’s FBI. Everyone knows you have that Fed fetish. I bet he owns handcuffs,” she adds, with a dramatic wink. “And there is no way he’s bad in bed. No way. You know how you can just tell sometimes by looking at a guy? Just by the way he moves? That’s what you need. A guy who knows what he’s doing in bed. And at the very least this guy is packing.”
“Wait. Are you talking about my brother?” Sophie interjects. Sophie has a half-brother I’ve never met.
“Obviously, Sophie. How many federal agents do I know?” Everly responds in a ‘duh’ tone of voice.
“It’s actually a great idea, but please do not talk about my brother’s junk in front of me. It’s disgusting.” Sophie winces and rubs at her baby bump. “I think Boyd’s a bit of a player though. He’s never even introduced me to anyone he’s seeing. But good plan. You guys talk about it. I’m going to the restroom.” She pushes back her chair and stands, then immediately sits again, looking at us in a panic. “I think my water just broke.”
“I’ve got this,” Everly announces, waving her hands excitedly as she flags down the waitress. “I’m gonna need a pot of boiling water, some towels and the check.”