Total pages in book: 79
Estimated words: 74226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 74226 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 371(@200wpm)___ 297(@250wpm)___ 247(@300wpm)
Shaking my head, I tell her, “Oh, no. Not in a bad way at all. I mean, it’s not like I planned this. It’s not the kind of thing you grow up imagining happening. But it’s a good thing. It’s really good.”
She sighs like she’s relieved. “That’s wonderful. I’m happy for both of you. This is a nice, fresh beginning. New life.”
I know what she’s saying. I completely agree. But… “I wonder if I can be a good parent after everything I went through.”
“You’ve never had anything but positive things to say about Sophie and Roman. Have you been holding something back?”
I see where she’s going with this and I have to laugh softly at myself when I look at it that way. “No, they’re great. They did more for me and Luna than they had to, for sure.”
“That’s what parents do. That’s what you’re going to do for your child. Focus on those good things we’ve talked about. Use the techniques we’ve developed to work through those moments of uncertainty, when you’re feeling the most agitated or confused.”
That’s what’s been getting me through lately. “Right. Thank you. I just needed to talk it out, I guess.”
“How far along is Scarlet now?”
“Twelve weeks. First trimester over, and she was hardly aware.”
The doctor chuckles softly. “Lucky girl. Everything’s going well?”
“Sure. She’s great. Her parents… Xander’s not throwing a party or anything, but he’s not threatening to kill me, either.”
Her lips twitch. “That’s a very good start.”
And it is. Finally, I have a new start. No more hiding secrets in the shadows, no more living in darkness. No more being afraid to reach out for the light, because now I know there’s someone there who will take my hand. There’s no flailing around, lost and confused. I know who I am and where I want to be.
Once our session is over, I turn my thoughts to something that’s been on my mind for weeks. Each day that passes takes us one day closer to the baby being born. There are some decisions to be made, big ones. If this is really going to be a new start, it means going into it with a clean slate.
Can I do that? Can I live with knowing New Haven still exists? I might have to. Rebecca is gone. If I go in there with guns blazing, all alone – which I would be, since Xander has already refused to get involved with the Russians — what would come out of it besides my death? It would mean my baby being raised without a father. I wouldn’t do that to them, and I sure as hell wouldn’t do it to Scarlet.
I have to love her enough and love our unborn child enough to make the decision to let go. I can’t save the world. I need to put this behind me once and for all, which means accepting the things I can’t change. Isn’t that part of the serenity prayer? Serenity has never been something I’ve strived for, but I’m starting to understand it might not be such a bad idea. I can’t live the rest of my life full of hate, craving vengeance. It’s time for something new and better.
Which is why, even though my heart is banging against my ribs like a drum and my knees are shaking a hell of a lot harder than I would ever admit to anyone, I leave my room and head downstairs, where I know I’ll find Xander. I wouldn’t be surprised if he slept in his office, he spends so much time in there. There’s something almost comforting about it, though. Knowing what to expect.
His brows lift when I knock on the door jamb. “How did it go with the doctor?”
“It went well. I get the feeling she’s ready to be done with me.”
Sitting back in his chair, he nods, gesturing for me to have a seat before I have the chance to ask if I can take it. I wonder if he would be so generous if he knew why I’m paying this visit. “You’ve improved greatly. It makes sense your sessions would become fewer and further between. I’m sure she’ll want to follow up with you from time to time — it might be a good idea to advocate for that. Just to be sure things are still going smoothly. I know it’s been hard work, and I give you a great deal of credit.”
As much as I love hearing this and appreciate it, I also wish she wouldn’t say it. His whole attitude is going to change in about five seconds. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about,” I begin after clearing my throat. Why is this so hard? Oh, right, because it’s probably the most important decision I’ve ever made and my entire life hangs in the balance. No big deal.