Total pages in book: 162
Estimated words: 154728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 774(@200wpm)___ 619(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 154728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 774(@200wpm)___ 619(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
My sister spoke calmly, sagely, as if she were the one who was six years older. She’d always brought the younger sister energy with her energetic soul. But then, I saw her for what she was: mother of two, a caretaker.
I’d always thought of ‘mother’ as an ordinary title. It was one of the most common in the world after all. Almost anyone could be it, do it. Or so I’d thought. I was beginning to realize it was the most specialized title one could have, something so beyond ordinary it was a joke.
I struggled to restrain a sob as Kane sat beside me and gingerly handed me Mabel. When she snuffled at my chest, Kane’s deft fingers moved my shirt to help her latch on. He rested his hand on her head, the other on the back of my neck.
He didn’t say anything. Nor did my mom or Maisie. The two of them made us breakfast while I sat with Kane and Mabel, the sun streaming through the windows, watching the ocean.
I’d never felt more fragile in my life. Never felt more present. Or more scared. I tried my best to mold into it.
“Marathon, not a sprint,” Kane leaned in to whisper my words from last night.
I nodded then sank into him.
Kiera arrived later that day.
Thankfully, I had pulled myself together somewhat, having been all but carried back to bed with Mabel. The two of us spent the day napping and feeding, my mother and sister coming in with a steady stream of food and drinks.
“You need to keep your fluids up while breastfeeding,” Maisie said as she fluffed the covers and opened the windows to let the sea breeze in.
“I’ll go prepare your sitz bath,” she added.
I clutched onto her wrist, careful of Mabel.
“Maise,” I whispered.
She looked down at me.
“Thank you,” I told her. “I know I haven’t been the best big sister, or really a sister at all. And you being here, it means a lot.”
Maisie’s eyes twinkled as she smiled, covering my hand with hers. “There’s nowhere I would be, Rey.” It felt good to hear her use the name she called me when she was little. The age gap between us meant I’d merely tolerated her once the novelty of a new baby wore off, and she’d followed me around like a puppy, desperate for my attention.
One more squeeze then she was gone to prepare the sitz bath, later taking Mabel while Kane helped lower me into it.
The horrors didn’t cease. Though Kane didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. He put on an acoustic Unquiet Mind playlist, promised he’d be back in ten minutes then left me, giving me time to decompress.
And as promised, he was back to help me out and get me dressed, but then came hurricane Kiera.
She was laden with bags as she breezed in, declaring Mabel the ‘cutest fucking baby to grace the planet’ as she gave me a long hug. She hadn’t met my mother or Maisie yet, but unsurprisingly, the three of them got along like they’d known each other for years.
What was surprising was that my best friend was so very similar to my mother and sister. Well, not surprising, maybe just that I hadn’t noticed it sooner. Though I’d been shutting them out my entire adult life, I’d also been unconsciously searching for their energy.
Another deep, introspective thought … one I normally would shut out, but I was a raw nerve those days. And in between my soul clenching doubts about my ability to be a mother, my tiredness and inescapable anxiety, I seemed to have time for existential crises.
Kiera stayed for a week, at a hotel on the ocean. She tried to help, but unlike my mother and Maisie, she was not a mother; that stuff didn’t come natural to her. But she was there, a reminder of my old life. Who I used to be. Her presence was enough.
She left with promises to come back, but I knew part of her was relieved to leave. She felt out of place in my new life, new dynamic. I felt it, the shift in our relationship, like tectonic plates moving.
The goodbye was bittersweet. I knew Kiera would never be gone from my life, but her position was different now. I grieved that.
There was still another week left before my mother and Maisie left, and I felt the time moving like a noose around my neck, tightening with each passing day. Kane was amazing, helping in every way he could. He would jerk awake, back ramrod-straight, spluttering, “What do you need?” before he was even awake.
Mabel was a beautifully complicated baby. She required every second of our waking hours. She did not like to be sitting, or on her back. Whenever someone was holding her, they had to do laps around the house. Or walk along the beach. With, of course, Blanche in tow. Because wherever Mabel was, Blanche was. At the feet of whomever was holding her. And on the rare occasions Mabel was put down in the bassinet, Blanche laid directly underneath it.