Total pages in book: 20
Estimated words: 18976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 95(@200wpm)___ 76(@250wpm)___ 63(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 18976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 95(@200wpm)___ 76(@250wpm)___ 63(@300wpm)
“If that was the only problem, I’d be in heaven. No. It’s something far worse than that.”
“What can be worse than snoring?”
“Commitment issues.”
Tabitha sips her coffee as she stares at me. “You’re worried about that after a week?”
“What we’re feeling for one another is really deep, Tabitha. It’s, like, this isn’t just a fling. This feels real. And this realness is the problem. He’s terrified of hurting me.”
“How’s he going to hurt you? Seems like he’s hurting you already.”
“That’s what I’m thinking, right?” I throw my arms up. “But commitment is a problem with him. His mother got hurt real bad by his father, and cursed their marriage. So he never wants to get married. Or even do anything that looks like it.”
“Oof. I’d call that a red flag, but I guess I can see where he’s coming from. Can’t let anyone get too close to him or he’s going to risk hurting them. Guess his dad cheated on her?”
I nod.
“Yeah, that’s the easiest way, but it can even be something beyond your control. Like a tragic accident. Or cancer. You lose someone that close to you, you’re going to hurt them bad.”
“But that’s silly. You can’t run away from everything that might hurt you. That’s just how life goes. There’s good. There’s bad. You best just enjoy the good times while they’re there, or you’re just accepting a life full of misery.”
Tabitha sips her coffee, nodding along with my words. “That’s how it works, yes. So are you going to wait for him to come around on that?”
I sink down, stirring my coffee with one of those little sticks. “I don’t know. This job is a big door for me. If I stay in Evergreen Valley, I can’t really take the job, unless I want a daily two-and-a-half-hour commute.”
“Think of the gas costs alone.”
“So I either go with this job, and try to make it on my own, or I stay near Bear, hoping that he gets his head out of his ass. Then I need to bet that there’s actually something there. I mean, he could be right. Maybe I’m blinded by a raging passion right now. Or lust. He’s very good at making me lust for him.”
Tabitha stares at me, nodding. “Go on.”
“It’s confusing, okay? I don’t know what to do. It’s just...” I let out a disgruntled "Argh!" Some of the other café patrons turn my way, and I suddenly feel embarrassed with myself.
“The answer is pretty simple to me,” Tabitha says. “You need to talk to him like an adult. Make your feelings known.”
“I’ve tried that and...”
“Tell him that unless he opens up, you’re gone. He needs to realize what this means. If he can’t get his head out of his ass for this, then he doesn’t deserve you, girl.”
I nod, taking her words in. She’s got a point. I don’t want to rush him, but I can’t exactly wait for him to stop being cold to me and derail my entire life for something that’ll never come. There are some guys out there who are remarkably dedicated to "stubborn as hell," and Bear may well be one of them.
Everything is easier said than done. I don’t want to confront him. I don’t want to hurt him, just like he doesn’t want to hurt me.
But inaction will just hurt both of us more.
We have to figure this out.
Together.
NINE
bear
The sun is still out.
And I have a beer in my hand. I’m purely a social drinker. Unless I’m at the bar, or at a big cookout or party, I don’t see much point to it.
Now I understand.
You want that numbness. Something to make the pain feel not so intense.
I have no idea how it’ll work, but I’m there, on the back porch, watching the sunset.
Alone.
I kick my feet up, trying to distract myself from the thoughts plaguing me.
The loneliness.
It’s so strong. Especially as I experienced what it's like to be with someone. To want them so intensely, and not just for the sex. I miss her smile, her laugh, her wit. I miss everything about her.
I don’t want to hurt her.
Maybe I already did.
I tell myself the hurt is less here than if I kept trying to let her in.
A quick cut to the heart rather than a brutal gash.
Still hurts. Still makes me want her.
Marriage is a sham, I remind myself. Not just my mom. All the stories of broken hearts and homes, of people betraying one another, sometimes even stories of violence.
I want to say I would never do such things to a woman. That I would be forever faithful, that I would always be a loving husband.
Everyone holds themselves to such high standards. Would I be foolish to think that I’m immune to such things?
I wonder when it gets around to really numbing the pain.