Total pages in book: 139
Estimated words: 127146 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 636(@200wpm)___ 509(@250wpm)___ 424(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 127146 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 636(@200wpm)___ 509(@250wpm)___ 424(@300wpm)
I watch him intently, noticing the tension in his jaw and his clenched fists across his chest. He's still dressed, and his pants are back up. Shame coats my insides, and I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes. I fed right into his bullshit. I gave him what he wanted most, a warm hole to be used and discarded when done.
“I can’t… We can’t keep doing this,” I whisper, almost as if I don’t want to say the words at all. Drew makes me feel too much, but I don’t have the same effect on him. I can’t make him see something he refuses to see. Maybe this is why my brain put up such a tough battle when it came to him. Because it knew this could only end in heartbreak.
“What do you mean?” He blinks slowly, and I can’t really read his face. “Do you mean tutoring? Or something else?”
“This.” I motion between us and grab my comforter, covering myself up because I feel too exposed right now. “I can’t keep doing this push and pull with you. Your hot and cold behavior is giving me whiplash, and I don’t want to be a doormat for you to step on. You pay me to tutor you, not sleep with you. I know you’re used to having random hookups and stuff, but I’m not. You're the first guy I ever… did anything with.” I hate the tremble in my voice as I speak because what I’m saying is true. I can’t keep doing this with him. “I need more, more than just sex. I want to feel wanted, cherished, valued. None of those things you can do. I hardly know anything about you. The only time we see each other is behind closed doors or in the library.”
“I don’t do that shit with anyone. It’s not just you, Maybel, and I thought you hated me. It’s starting to sound a lot like you’ve caught feelings.”
I grit my teeth together, anger replacing the pleasure endorphins. “What I feel or don’t feel doesn’t matter. You can’t give me what I want, and even if you could, I don’t know what a relationship with you would look like.” I feel vulnerable as hell, but there wasn’t any way around this. One way or another, we were headed here.
He laughs harshly but not in a way that says anything is funny. “Wait, are you trying to tell me you’re finished with me? I thought I warned you before. I make the choices, and I’ll decide when we’re done. I don’t care about what you want.”
Looking into his eyes, I see no warmth, no joy. I see only anger and the desire for control. Maybe that’s what brought us together. My desire to be free, and his desire to be in control. Too bad it didn’t work out. Shoving off the bed, I wrap the blanket tighter around my middle. It hurts me to push him away, but I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep fighting against something that isn’t ever going to be.
“And that’s the entire problem here.” I shake my head in frustration. “Could you just leave, please? I’m not going to continue on this roller coaster of emotions. You’ve gotten your fill of me, and unless you plan to change your motives and direction, there is no place for me in your life.”
He shoves off the bed and moves with lightning speed, his massive body crowding me. I don’t want to be intimidated or bullied into compliance by him. I’m tired of feeling weak. I’m tired of being manipulated.
“If you think you can deny me what’s rightfully mine, you’re in for a world of hurt.” His voice is low and deadly.
“I’m not denying you anything. I want to be free, and you make me feel free. You push me to my limits. You’re selfish and want me to meet only your needs. I mean, you just told me you don’t care about what I want. It doesn’t get any more obvious than that.”
“I don’t need your permission, Maybel,” he hisses through his teeth, and I can feel the anger rolling off him.
“You're right, you don’t. You could take from me, rape me, hurt me, break me down until I’m nothing but a shell, but that’s not what you want. You want me strong and defiant. You want me to agree because otherwise, it’s not real. Otherwise, it’s not good enough. You’re many things, Drew, and while I have thought you were a monster a time or two, I’m starting to realize I might have misunderstood you.”
My words must cut far too close to the surface because a moment later, he takes a step back, a look of disgust painting his features. Then another. My heart aches inside my chest, and I want to beg him to stay and talk to me, but he’s not ready, and I’m not sure he’ll ever be. I do know that I can’t keep going down this road with him. With a shake of his head, he disappears from the room. The front door slamming closed makes me jump, and I climb back into bed, blinking back tears.