Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Or right now: When he’s serious and sensitive and so fucking appreciative of the smallest thing.
I’m attracted to Felix in the most basic, biological way. He makes my dick hard. That’s enough for me to want to be around him, even if he wasn’t my sponsor or friend.
But I think it’s more than that.
I like him. Who he is and how he acts. I like him enough to change my plans last minute.
I’d like him even if we never fuck.
And that… could be a problem.
Felix offers to drive us to the cemetery, and I think that’s probably for the best. I’m way too stuck inside my head to focus on hearing directions and actually following them.
I’d get us lost. We’d never make it to the cemetery, and then Felix would have to skip a week and wait until next Sunday to visit his mom.
And then I’d feel bad and want to comfort him somehow, and what would start out as an innocent hug would undoubtedly lead to us climbing over the seats and fooling around, in the middle of which I’d blurt out how I like him and how I’m starting to really like him, and then we’d go from doing everything but fucking to actual butt fucking. (How can I make jokes right now?) So, Felix driving us instead of me is absolutely what needs to happen.
“You okay?” he asks when I’m being too quiet and weird.
I haven’t said a word this entire drive. I didn’t even talk when we stopped at a gas station to buy flowers. I just followed him inside and shadowed him, like a freak.
Feelings are dumb. I wish I never felt them.
“Yeah,” I say. “Just thinking.”
“About death?”
Sure. We’ll go with that.
“What kind of cancer killed your mom?”
Felix slows down and pulls into a parking lot. “It started in her lungs and spread to her lymph nodes. She died eight months after they found it. It’s crazy. I didn’t think people got lung cancer if they never smoked.”
The pack of cigarettes in my right front pocket feels heavy and uncomfortable.
I hardly ever smoke and I haven’t yet in front of Felix, but right now, I regret even buying them.
He parks and turns the car off, and we both climb out.
“Can you give me a few minutes?” he asks, looking at me across the hood.
“Yeah. Of course.”
I lean against the side of the car and cross my arms over my chest as Felix walks ahead.
I’m not surprised he wants to do this part alone. I’ve never had to visit anyone at a cemetery, but I imagine it’s something you’d want to do in private.
I watch him step around markers buried in the ground and weave between tall headstones until he stops in the middle of the cemetery and sits in the grass. He tugs his beanie off and messes with his hair, and then his mouth is moving.
I can’t hear him. He’s too far away. And when Felix lowers his head and picks at the grass, I feel bad for even watching him the way I’m doing. Like I’m invading his time with her.
I turn away and count the gravel in front of my feet.
I should probably call my parents soon. They’ve both left me messages, conveying their concern and offering support, and I’m too much of a chicken shit to call them back.
I know CJ keeps them up to date, so I don’t feel too bad about it.
Still. Being here, it makes me think I should.
Minutes later, I hear Felix approach and turn my head.
He walks over to one of those metal barrel trash bins and tosses dead flowers inside. Then he moves my way, beanie back on and face somber.
When he reaches the front of the car, I see the tears in his eyes and the ones staining his cheeks when looks at me and says, “Okay. I’m ready to go home now.”
And seeing him, hearing that, I can’t worry about what hugging him might lead to.
I round the car, grip the back of his neck, and pull Felix against me.
The hug is crushing, and I’m so happy I’m here and able to do this.
My arm circles his back, locking Felix in place, and his wrap around my waist and link so fucking tight, his face rubbing against my neck.
He shudders in a breath and we both grip harder. And the only thing I’m thinking about is how much I needed to do this.
I hate that his mom died and that he visits her here every week.
And I really hate his dad for not being around. Felix is alone, and he shouldn’t be.
I finally ask him, “Are you okay?” after we pull apart.
He nods and wipes at his face. “Sorry I cried on you.”
“I don’t care about that.”
“You give good hugs, Jake. Fuck. Of course, you do.” Felix groans against his hands. “Kind of wish I hated every second of that.” He blushes furiously when we lock eyes again. “Damn it. Suck at something, will you?”